Dark fades

 Lifting me up to a higher light shadows cast over me weighing me down

Below the fire burns right

Listen to the whispers on my lips

Paint the town red

No man left alone as the tears

Of pain become me no one to trust

Oh how sweet the torture lay me diwnever more I will not be shackled by you

Left me to be unloved 

Now heart bleeds to the Beautiful 

song of deception 

Life hurts more

 I live longer and the more alone I become. I wake up alone feeling like every relationship is a failure. I keep picking the wrong person to partnership with. Happiness is short lived. Only roads I walk are dark and promisingly lingered with uncertainty fuck this life

Cougar women and their younger counterparts

Sticky lips from his sex in my mouth is quite delightful. I admit it I am perverted. I’m lustful and sexually heightened by the idea that I am his first real sexual experience. I am 39 and he is 21. I needed someone in my life who is just as hyper sexual.

My sexual perversions come from young sex abuse or incestous sex. I was molested for many years groomed by men and women. My innocence and beauty attracted these people who made sex my ego. I never said anything I would just get my vagina and clitoris touched to the brink of orgasm and denied so I can later be watched masturbating to orgasm and punished for not waiting. My vagina would throb at such a young age I desired the touch and enjoyed the spankings even when I was caught right before orgasm. The spankings would be hard and I cried from humiliation of urinating myself from the lashes. The pee would stream from between my thick legs. My vagina would be wet and I tried to cross my legs so I wouldn’t piss myself. I would scream from the stinging lashes I beg to use the toilet. I received laughs and insults and then I was told to spread my legs.

How cruel....I obeyed. And the beatings continued then I felt the pee leaving my bladder into the carpet in front of company. The adults looked on with lust and the same ones who would later sneak in my room and reached into my soiled panties later to allow me the orgasm I needed and laughed as I came.....four times each one came in and took turns and each I orgasmed. How much I was loved.

Now I’m my own person sometimes I want him to do this to me. Spank me choke me make me watch you fuck other hot young women in front of me. Make me drink their piss and ride my face as a toilet tissue. Suck my nipples while My face becomes her dildo. 

Dear Heroin User

Coming through here again was like putting my hand on a hot stove for a second time. First time small burn, second time, the skin peeled off. Yeah. It is that time to reflect. No amount of money will ever take away the fact that you sir, are not a good resource for me. I hope you like heroin as much as you like prison. Locked away in your own thoughts....

 You think you know what you're doing. But I know better.

I know being resentful is a stresser. But honestly, it brings me satisfaction to watch it burn in front of my face. like a slow ember burning leaves on a cool autumn day. Die you little fucker, please don't bring flies to my door.

Her mouth is a gaping worm hole as her fingers text me with sarcasm and belittlement. Her fear is so strong I can smell it from miles away. Her tears are as dry as her veins which she shoots with heroin. And you are her escape with a bundle of powdered joy. For every needle you give and the stabs to my heart will forever be your demise.

Good riddance to you. Your smile now holds an empty darkened space where a set of pearly whites once resided. The demons you tried so hard to ridden of are now your best friends, they tickle you at night, don't they? Your skin is now paled and ashen, the similarity of you and Edward Cullen is definitely visible. Do you sparkle in the light, cold one?

When you seek warmth, does the bundles of powdered death make you forget how alone you really are in your parent's basement of solitude and resentment?

1. Self-loathing is your best trait, no love given there.

2. With ever penny your mother earns is now thrown on a spoon and cooked straight into your arteries. No love given there.

3. Lies come naturally, like breathing. No remorse for the contradictory statements you have made. Yeah, no love given there.

4. When you say, "I love you" you mean the juice, right? The one that flows through you as your loved ones cry at night in their beds and wondering why they are left with a burden of guilt for a self indulgence you chose for your own pleasure and leisure. No love given there.

So please, don't wonder why I did not come to your awake or grave burial. I already said, R.I.P when you chose the heroin over me. I already said, R.I.P when I laid alone at night crying myself to sleep when you chose another junkie who was married, to share your drug induced binges with and made her your special princess. So again, R.I.P.

Come within.

Give me a piece of your mind then, oh yes, we can't win
Not any flesh of sin; go ahead daddy take another sip of that gin
No one cares, while you are deep within, yes daddy deep within
That carnal flesh....oh gee this is the life we live in. Lips are sealed
No touch is just any touch, they take, we breathe and take it all in.

Yes, Honey, this is the life we live in. Get used, like honey, they lick it up
the bees are watching, buzzing around me watching me cum.
As he suckles the honey off my tender nipples. Only this big bad boy, teeth gone, only he can defile me into perfect sin. So sick, bugs crawling in the skin I live in.

No girls allowed, waiting to be punished for the taste of  my women still in my mouth,
and the tongues of shadowed serpents so sharp like daggers
come into the darkened room to compete with him to
taste the flesh between my legs, hands all over me like sticky honey
This is the world we live in.

Your lips so soft, I close my eyes the light is so bright, soft wind
touching my fingertips like soft petals of the peonies. You are the petals to my lips
the warmth of your soul dancing against my skin; yearning to be free
by my touch, and whispers as I get closer to your throbbing sex.

Broken.

I have been going through alot with Alison and dealing with my sister. She decided to get an Apartment with Ali. And Ali lied to me so many times, and said that she didn't want to move in my sister. But my spiteful sister decided to go live on Facebook and Alison was all smiles. I am tired of it all. I will not ever associate with my sister as long as I live. I have to move again back upstate and change my phone number.

I just want to cut myself and feel the blood pour from my arm. Just rip out my heart and never care again.

Laziness and just more laziness.

If you have a partner who is just plain lazy, and doesn't care for anything...leave them where they stand. All they will do is use you to suit their laziness.

No showering
No 50/50 on sex
No Career or College motivation
Justifies their laziness by making excuses and blaming on others.


RUN. AS. FAST AS YOU CAN.

You're the King

I am sitting in my car listening to Rob Zombie craving you again. It's been 8 years since you fucked me over. Yeah, you. My sexy fucking King. How could you dismiss me, for her? What does she have that I don't? Keep pretending like you don't want me to ride your king strap like a pro. I want nothing more than a hot night of passionate steamy sex, let our bodies collide into a perfection of lust. Forget about her for one day. I want you and I know you want me too. You owe me that much.

Butch women who lie about being raped.

Today I am blogging about rape and women who lie about it. Today so many different types of men are registered for sex offenses. The varies of the crimes goes from, sex offenses against children and teenagers, such as, date rape to statutory rape and adult women and indecent exposure. No matter which laws are broken, these men are labeled for life.

Well today, this topic is going to be a little different. It is focusing on women who identify with a masculine persona and claim to be, lesbian. Now, I am not against women who like the sexual pleasures of men, I am against the denial of it. If you prefer women, but enjoy a once in a blue moon romp in the sheets for a good night of lustful thrusting, then that is your prerogative.

But to wave a LGBTIQ flag in the air like you own it, and don't tolerate heterosexual sex, is wrong. You are going against the flag and the community that so many people worked hard to put together and fight for. It is like a KKK member swearing by his white brotherhood then creeping in the night to be with a black woman.

Severe? I know. But it's raw, and straight to you live.

Now, let's get deeper....What about butch women who love to have pillow-talks with their feminine lover after a long night of passionate sex and so you lay naked in the sheets sharing your sexy, deepest secrets and they slam one on ya about how horrible men are and shed crocodile tears about their moments with these vicious creatures and each and every sexual experience was raw, hurtful, and forced?  What if deep inside yourself you feel this pang of pain for your butch lover. And all you could do was hold them close, because afterall, men are assholes! Right?

Ok...what if after the 6th man, you begin to wonder if your butch lover is fabricating the events and in actuality they enjoyed the sex? I don't think it would take 6 men to figure out if women is right for you. I think if you been raped by at least 3 men one after the other, you would come to your senses and STOP.

Well, I want to know what causes a female to deny her involvement with men. Some of these butch women have looser vaginas and a very steep and deep entrance to the cave. Extremely aroused, overly aroused and enjoy penetration with a dildo. I have met feminine women who are tighter than their manly counterpart.

So, maybe it is safe to say that butch women identify with a masculine identity but their sexuality is bisexual? So instead of trying to ruin men and their credibility as being sexually attracted to all types of women, it is better to assume the butch has a problem with her sexuality. Not him. Don't blame men for your lack of a phallus. I see it as a phallus envy.

I will not tolerate women telling me they do not like men. And swear they have buddies and that's it. I have watched my ex flirt with men right in front of my face. Sex with men can be pleasurable and I enjoyed some of my experiences, it still didn't take away from the fact that my heart loved and desired a woman more so.

I can't deal with women who deny their sexuality but praise their identity. You putting on a fake facade for the Gay community. Look at me! I'm a butch! Yeah! I will top ya! But then moan and squirm under a phallus on the down low. And dare your pretty little fem girlfriend or wife to want sex with a man. 

The truth about Cancerians.

I've dated a "so-called" lesbian butch who is a Cancer. And let me state some obvious traits about them.

1. They're extremely manipulative. They will take the down to earth, breezy part of you and use it to their advantage. For example, you're in a good mood heading out to run a few errands, and they will use this to get what they need during your daily errands. "Oh! Can you stop at the Mall, I need to get a pair of headphones; I am also a few dollars short, can you "lend" it to me?" And you could be 30 miles away from the nearest mall, since the trip consisted of the beach and a cook out.

2. Emotionally self-absorbed. You could be at a Vigil for the tragedy in Orlando and share your grief with others, like yourself, for the innocent victims. And so you think the tears they shed is for the same cause. Only to find out in the car, they're crying because no one pays attention to their needs and two years ago their grandfather died and one time no one shed a tear for them. (True Story.) And you begin to feel ill inside, because you realize, "Damn, that's selfish!"

3. Pillow Princess/Prince. Okay, so I hear from other bloggers and forums that cancerians are the BEST in bed. I am sorry, but I have to differentiate on that. From my experience they like to get off and if they feel up to it they'll give you some. You can be working it up, being extremely sensual, heightening the explosive orgasm to be the best. But when your turn comes up, you will be surprised. You will be left with a throbbing clit and no outlet. Talk about sexual deprivation. And like I said, will cry and emotionally tear you down if you direct them on it. Massive forms of manipulation, especially in the emotions department. And they lack sensuality and patience during sex.

4. Unfaithful emotionally. The zodiacs and other cancers SCREAM they're loyalty to any listening bystander. But truth is, it's a lie. I've caught my ex on numerous occasions going through Facebook and adding tons of hot, young, Caucasian girls that are in her zone. She completely flipped her cancerian claws at me once she was caught. They will say they're loyal, physically. But emotionally deep inside they're drooling for a chance to pinch someone new.

5. Extremely Possessive. They claim you, you don't claim them. They love when you fight for them and get emotionally all riled up over their secretive seething and backstabbings. You'll never know what is really wrong, until they explode one day while your watching a really cool movie. They will accept the flirting and the continuous lust for them, the instant someone wants you, they become catty. And wondering what is it about you that makes you shine like a sore thumb, they prefer you to be hidden in the sand; while they scout the lurking eyes and bring the attention onto them. Then everything is all good again. They're better off buying a very rare bear and shoving it on a shelf.

6. Big mouths. Now this can be anyone. But from what I experienced in my life, is loyalty. And some form of secrecy to a certain extent, is important. If you are in a relationship and having problems you probably shouldn't blab that your girlfriend likes to wear stockings while humping her favorite bear to people who resent and lack respect for you since day one. (An example, and NOT true.) Or, they will tell other people how they don't like to give you oral sex; when they think your body scent is not to their liking. These type of things are reason for a break-up. So cancerians shouldn't cry an ocean when someone wants to be free of  their claws .After all, you're the one breaking your loyalty codes when you open your flap.

7. Lack independence.  If you ever meet a cancerian who is independent and works for what they want, please broadcast it! I have come across one with not even a pot to piss in and so blindly, I thought it was a good relationship. But I ended up, cleaning clothes, sweeping, mopping, cooking and giving head, without a 50% in return. It is never 50/50 with a cancer.

Their needs over exceeds yours. If you need love, security and even medical help, they will cry and feel like they're not getting their needs met. They will do whatever it takes to make sure they are #1. No matter the cost. (screaming, yelling, insults, police called.) Until you give in and begin to question your reasons for being who you are as an individual. They refuse to get a place of their own, if you ever accept them into your home. They are hard to get rid of!

8. Sexually Promiscuous and corrupted perversion. They purposely default on their personal relationships to justify their sexual hunger. They love and CRAVE attention. Even negative attention and sex.  When they're single, everyone is the one they want. They love aggressive sex, and thrive from sex crimes. They feed off of crime stories such as, Jeffrey Dahmer, And other sadistic rapist and murderers.

You'll always see them with a "good" crime book. If you see them with it, expect to give them sex. It gets their loins going. Guaranteed, they have had far more sexual encounters than a porn star, hell, they might as well be a porn star. Be careful, because they can become ruthless and careless and will fail to use protection. So STD's is common with them.

They love to sleep with people who are in relationships. It's a challenge for them to domineer and stake out those who are loyal and loved. Because, they feel themselves to be lost in the sea, they will take others down with them. I've heard storeis where some cancerians scream, "rape!" when in fact, it was them, who sought out the aggressive sex production.

Secrecy and betrayal is their motto. They thrive from the moon, which refelcts their moods in whichever way the ocean sways. So if you're one not affected by this, by all means, go for it. But, I will not.

The beginning to the end.

I am moving forward in the way I want. I have tried different methods of making things work, and somehow, it fails. I think I lack the ability to love someone. I feel like I am in love in the first year or so. After that, I begin to see the persons flaws tremendously. I wonder if it stems from having to build my own personal self based on what I see and feel throughout the relationship.

I wasn't raised around a Father so my ability to be protected by predators, abusers, addicts, and so forth is an open field with no borders. People who look for those with low self- esteem and no familial support tend to come for us quicker. Especially when you have a secure home and assets they don't have.

I keep dating people who don't have a pot to piss in. I need to up my standards and remove those type of people out of my life. Even if that means I am alone for awhile. I dated a woman for awhile, which was hell since day one. I still stay connected to her and it did nothing positive for me. Except police contact and lots and lots of verbal and physical abuse.

My night terrors are at an all time high. I scream so loud my throat is sore for days. I have to keep throat lozenges by my night stand to keep myself from losing my voice completely. I've never had anyone not at least give me integrity when I ask them to leave my home. CT is supposed to be one of the best states that deals with Domestic Violence. Not the case at all. They have little to no services for the mentally ill and the homeless.

Yet, they somehow manage to make webpages dedicating this so-called ethic of social service. I tried to go for mental health to help me rebuild myself and learn how to see the "Red flags" in poor relationships. I have no avail in that department. My therapist spoke about pot and rarely wore her shoes during the 1 hour sessions. I felt like she was a bit of lost cause. So I stopped going.

I feel my best option is to go back to New York. Where things made sense, and my home wasn't in jeopardy; and landlords were professional with their tenants. I don't want to go back to Rochester, but for now I would be safe. I wouldn't have to worry about places like Rushford Mental health begging me to take my abuser back into my home despite of a restraining order that specifies no contact at my address.

I had to get this in writing from a Rushford personnel to show the judge the incompetency and the lack of regards to the victims of domestic violence. This state has so many loopholes and taxes it is a wonder how the Government hasn't intervened.

I am going to do what needs to be done to ensure I am safe. And will no longer be allowing people into my home. I will make sure in the future I screen people first. If the person lives off of others, drugs, etc...I will say, NOPE. Even if it looks exciting, that too, will end. 

Same-sex Domestic Violence

This topic is sensitive and not very well documented in the LGBTQ community. This topic needs to be addressed more often. I can say in my experience, it exists. The fear of not having an outlet with the legal system just like any other heterosexual couple is fearsome.

Walking into a safe haven with bruises on my forearms and an eye different shades of the rainbow, my heart beating faster than a set of deep based drums, my mouth is dry from the fear of being seen.... Or never heard. My words would mean nothing, from past experience, "Oh, like a girl fight?" "Your roommate did this?" "What did you say to her to make her angry?" Oh, you don't like men, maybe a man would've protected you." Those lines pierced my soul, my mind.

This safe haven gave me a bed. But the judgement still laid in their eyes. "My pain wasn't strong enough" is what their eyes told me. My rapes weren't of a true phallus thrusting into me, because fingers can't be a weapon from another woman. The kisses with bites on my lips, were from passion and not from a woman. Because in their world, women are victims and passionate.

The blows were small and swift yet strong enough to be from a man. After all, she walked, talked and fucked me like a man thug would. Her hair braided, and pressed down with a durag just like a man. Her skills in the electrical department was ferociously good. Her ability to undermine me in every aspect of my day was her power, as it was my weakness.

She was my first, in everything. Sex, living,and learning how quick it was to give up on love and foundation. I became ashamed of my own sexuality. I began to think back on my child abuse and began to think being with women; can't be natural. Because the blows to my face, showed me this is what women do to each other when they hate each other.

The emotional turmoil hit me at every turn. I was afraid for my life. I had no outlet, no friend who wasn't straight to turn to. I was alone. I got away after four years. By then I was 22 and hated myself and all women who looked like her. I wanted to try the straight life and steer from myself and anything that was toxic. I began to judge my life and said, "this is the way we are supposed to be. With a man." And that is what I did. But guess what?

Men do it too. And I went through the cycle again. Only this time areal phallus was involved.

Taking breaks and making mistakes.

It's been awhile since I've written on here. I left Rochester two years ago and couldn't be any happier in that retrospect. Almost done with College and off to a four-year College. I have busted my ass to get where I am. Still no kids or anything dumb like that. I'm not having kids just to feed the need of society. 

I am in another relationship; same-sex relationship. And I keep finding these frickin' losers. It's like no one wants to be productive and figure things out for themselves. I keep getting into connections with people who have no foundation, makes excuses or simply, flat-out don't care about moving up in life to better themselves. I am no mother to any Adult. I refuse to do this again.

I will find a way to remove this parasite out of my life. I removed one, only to gain another. I will figure this out. I can't love anyone else after this. Next person I meet says things like, "I live with five people, or I don't drive, or My parents pay my bills....will get the block button. I am trying to get myself under control and to have this stress is aggravating.

Truth About Butch Lesbians and gender identifying.

Let me just say this before I begin. Women are a gift and can be a curse too. However when it comes to the sexuality of women things become complicated. I think the reasons why Scientist cannot decipher the sexuality of women is because we are Unique. For example, Men who are born gay is found to be a hormone in the womb of the mother to be responsible for this. However, Women are not the same. 

Which leads me to believe Women are naturally bisexual. We can procreate and enjoy the sexual pleasures of our own sex. If we can masturbate ourselves and fantasize about different things, especially men who is to say we can't have sex with men?

I also think a lot of the times gender confusion and sexual identity is separate from preferring the same sex. I think a lot of women who dress like men have issues with their identity. Almost similar to women who transgender into men. Just not as severe. So if a woman who dresses like a man or has manly characteristics may see themselves as a male but still enjoy the sexual pleasures of a man.

Now, it would be excellent if their were self-help groups for transgender and women who prefer to be butch/stud. Some say let's not put a label on it...but...Society doesn't see it that way. We all have our own preferences and while I am all for LGBT support and same-sex marriage...I want to know what is in my Girlfriend's head when she likes to shave her head into a mohawk and wear men colognes. 

I love Butch women but don't become confused with yourself and when your femme partner decides to decipher every part of your being. If you're a true lesbian, stick to it. Don't tell every single chick you're with that every male sexual encounter was rape and you didn't want it.

These type of issues are a form of sexual dysfunction. I myself can say I had pleasurable experiences with men on a sexual level. I just know what I like and I am not ashamed to admit it. But it seems to me Butch women have serious issues with their identity. And so being a woman is not something they enjoy. They want to be identical to a man, and may even envy the power a man holds. (distorted thinking). 

Liar, Cheater, Deceiver, heartbreaker...

I removed this bitch out of my life. I found the most toxic thing online. Alison Wisbrock from Delaware is the biggest whore. She fucks everyone. I hate her. I will never see her again as long as I live.

It's only a tickle in the mind

One time, two times then maybe three. I only have one place to be. The fury so deep only one way to know if its steep. Look behind, look forward. Once together, once apart. Laying low in my heart I depart. little girl run away, see him grab you, devour you whole. Look down below and you will see
The demons playing in me.

Laughing now, crying later. Look at me and look at you. sticking my fist deep inside your soul. I laugh at you while you bleed. oh look! oh look! I did succeed! raping you, raping you deep inside me. I look in the mirrors shadows of glee playing so dummy of me. You like the clowns? They like you. Yes little me, they want too. Oh look, you like it so wet so dirty of you! Please, please don't scream, it makes you pee so it seems.

Ripping you to shreds every night, moan for me, not for them. Yes, sweet one, you are unclean.

So many changes, made new friends, found a new love

I am happier now then I have been over the years. A lot has happened since the last time I came on here.I met Ali who is a woman I met in foster care. I am in love and unsure. She loves me and through her I met others who accepted me as I am. Trust is a big factor for me and I need to gather it and understand it. 

My sister and I had a falling out and it may be more permanent this time. She has done a lot to me that no one should have done. I gave up things in sacrifice for her happiness. She is someone I never would trust again.When things fall apart I am the one she goes to and I don't mind that but being alone with her brings me sadness and great turmoil.

I left Akin for good. We speak from time to time I don't make him a priority when I was only his essential outlet for sexual servitude. I am happy to admit I am a Lesbian. And nothing can change that. I never really appreciated men in a bonding retrospect. 

Shonta ...boy that ex is definitely an Ex for a reason. I tried to reach out she is pregnant with some mans love child and honestly, her lifestyle is different from me. I am not interested in that type of life. 

I am Wicaan, I found a circle of people with whom I appreciate. And will never change it for the world.



I miss one friend from NYC more than anything and I hope she is well and is loved. I always felt she was a sister to me and is also Wicaan at heart she doesn't know it yet. I wish I met her and the baby. 

I will moving from CT to DE. Yes, it's my destiny. 

Going to see someone

Not sure if I am making the right choices. I mean, what if I don't like what I see? I saw before and was not interested. I am fat but...I don't know about being with a big woman. We'll see how this goes. I just don't know if it's what I want.

I kinda feel like ...No? 

I was in my head the whole time.

What am I sorry for?

How am I sorry when you let your 12 yr old kid ride his bike at midnight strolling through the ghettos of Enfield. CPS came to your house because you lack maternal extinct. What kind of mother goes out all hours of every night to dress like a skank and leaves her two boys to fend for themselves?

Fuck you Chrissy and your lack of morality. You lack the ability to speak up for yourself and your relationships. You lack the ability to love and conquer what you want. I got over your teeth-less ass. I am so glad I see through the smoke with your mental instability. I am not sorry. You fuck your mother and lay in the same bed with her. Nastiness. You like smelling like dirty clothes and lacking personal hygiene.

It's accurate. It's 100% truth. 

I am trying to get my thoughts in order and I think I did just that. I don't care for the trilogy in your Schwartz household. Moving on. moving on. 

Over-zealous spending consequences

Affording things and wanting things are two different things. I can not imagine what it is like to be living in a place that is not your own. 

Anyway, blogs are not fun. they're isolative and poignant. So good-bye while I finish my excel project and set up time to go meet my friends this coming week. I Love Connecticut. I don't know why I left. I really disliked Rochester. I mean, a fat brown man thought he was god and used me for his personal usage and had his nose in the air when his gray sagging draws looked like they were inhaling a cigarette from his flat camel-niggered ass.

Then, I had crazy A...and his antics and neurotic conversations. That blew me into a deep depression where I isolated my mind into obsessing over cleaning and getting the hell out of Rochester. I got my car, and my new place and here I am...

I tried it out with Chrissy, but her psychotic sister, got in between our relationship so I called CPS when her son randomly ended up with a serious head gash and S claimed he fell off his bike. But this was near midnight right after she DEMANDED Chrissy and her mother come home to attend to her. Somehow in the mix of things Chrissy told me she and her mother had sex. And from there on in I was crawling with eeebies- jeebies and serious abandonment issues.

But somehow I was cut off based on the one email I send S in reference to Chrissy's incestuous dilemma. Instead of working it out she cut me off. I flipped the fuck out. Yes. I did. I felt enraged, here she was sleeping with her mama and I was to blame? I couldn't take it anymore. I let Chrissy have it via text. She said to me the next day she was cutting me off and then no more messages. 

I called CPS out of spite. Yes. I do low-blows too. 

So that ended. over. and crossing the new bridge now. Hopefully I won't burn the bridge while my ass is still on it.