Crazy fucking neighbors.

I have these neighbors who moved in. Last name is Santana so I should already know what type of people they were going to be. I am so tired. I was up late doing my Exam and waking up early to this shit. I mean these people are banging and pounding and making all types of fucking noise. Sounds like they're remodeling the bathroom. 

Crazy nutcases. Straight up and down. 

So I called the MGMT office. So let's see if they give a flying fuck. 
If not well then I don't either and will fling shit on their car. How about that?

Missing you Flaws and all

I still love her forever. That'll never change; I know I was wrong. I should have never made that call and did evil things. I will wait and hopefully in the future she will be okay and Forgive me. I know what I did and I want to make sure I never make that mistake again.

She was there for me and I should do the same for her. I will love you, Chris. Always. No one in this world can ever replace my love for you. EVER. 



I'm going to go into my bubble. I can't deal.

Dating a Schizoeffective lesbian

The elevation of shock, hurt and despair came tumbling down on me in the matter of days. This was all due to dating a person who is mentally ill more so than myself. I have BPD and BIpolar disorder. I could have other things but I haven't seen a shrink as of late so those things are not updated. I will put in a request to see a Psychiatrist today.

Back to the story. 

I met a girl named Christine back in my residential program days via Foster care. She was the woman I fell in love with at 13. I mean, she was definitely certified but somehow I managed to love this wounded dove. She was beautiful to me, I loved her in more ways than one. I took the time to reach out and let her know I liked her. At first I was nervous I didn't know how to approach same sex intimacy. Hell, I was 13. 

I just know her lips, hair, and her teeth I loved. She had those fangs up top that stood out but it was cute. She hated it. I was not sure why. But she hated it. She smelled so good, she washed her hair with Salon Selectives and used suave hair spray. In a pink bottle. When I am sensitive about love I pay attention to the details. 

She used to shower every day and be the most prominent on time and organized. Her room was super clean. She had this attitude about herself and was quiet and I liked it. Her kisses were to die for. She would make me melt.  

I finally took the courage to finally see her. I was nervous VERY. So I took the courage to see her; I knew she was big. She gained a lot of weight from her facebook photo she wore a bright orange hoodie that just did not compliment her at all.

 so I was trying to get myself to accept the possibility of dating her as a big woman, because remember I love her no matter what. I wanted to be with her. So I am driving down her street, poor neighbor of E____ CT. And This is what I am accustomed to most people from placement live in the hood.

So...What I saw with my eyes; isn't what I was prepared for. I saw her with a woman next to her who was also identical to her only older. And up stood Chrissy waving frantically. But what I pictured isn't anything for what I was prepared for. When she smiled, there were dark spaces where her teeth once were, her hair stood long past her shoulders, untamed, in two shades, her pink tight shirt hugged around her body meat. Her pants were dingy and smelled of dirty clothes when I hugged her. She reeked of cigars and skin.

My heart fell. Deep inside I was angry. Here stood the woman I wanted to be with and she was everything I never think to look twice at on a regular sunny day. So I hugged her adamantly and looked at the floor her mother said, "You are so pretty" and flashed her gums to me.. I smiled and said, I'm ok. And Chrissy said, "Wow...you lost so much weight." (she did too, thank god) We complimented each other and Chrissy helped her mother into the house, and with that followed an odor.

An odor of poor body funk. Like it came from the ass. I was disgusted. I prepared myself because I knew the house would be the same. Inside the carpet was a dingy peach colored carpet. Stains everywhere. Old dirty furniture donated by Christine's witch of a sister who uses Christine to do her bidding. (more of that later) The kitchen had cobwebs in every sector, Walls dripping with dirt, food on the cabinets, grease stains so dark it looked like tar. The stove was caked with dirt and chunks of food dried and burnt resting comfortably among the gas valves. 

Her table was small and contained no chairs of a matching set. One wooden chair and two plastic chairs meant to be white, but stained a gray dirty color. Her blinds were ripped and also covered in filth. My jaw opened as I passed on through. I was in utter shock. 

Oddly, despite the floors being dirty her room was organized. She didn't have a comforter or any sheets on her bed. Her mattress was also stained and dirty her pillows were so yellow I was afraid to lay on it. I didn't want to spend the ngiht in that horrible place. 

I don't get it. How do people live like that? What is it that makes people just live in filth? I don't. I have mental illness and I don't allow myself to sleep a bed with no sheets. I make sure I have that.  I have cleaning supplies and I clean my house. Yes, it gets dirty sometimes and I don't feel like cleaning but...by God I will clean. I will never allow myself to live like an animal.

PART II...coming soon.

Loving this life

Finally settled into my new life. I am going to pay one visit upstate and then I will be back. Now for my girlfriend...

I love her. Always have I like it if she wasn't so ...boring. I mean, I love her but um...things aren't what they once were. She used to be feisty and confident. I dunno why she changed the way she did. Hell, I never changed myself for anyone. Fuck you if you don't like me. That's my motto.

I definitely changed sexually and right now I have my period. Ech. so heavy too. Anyway, why do white girls pussies smell like furry rabbits?

Not sure if crazy is what I like

I wonder what makes people so stupid? I mean, we all like to be in love and love others. But when it comes down to be together with someone we have to look back and ask ourselves if that's what we want. I tried to be with you, but you stay sleeping my nigga. All day. Everyday like you're hibernating. Turn down...Waaaaaaay down. I am not doing this with you. I can't be with someone who likes to sleep all day, everyday. ZZZZZZZZ...Me: "I'm horny C____!" "whaaa?"..ZZZZZZZZZ..."Let's eat"....ok....ZZZZZZZZZZ.....



BYE FELICIA!!!

Never too late to come out of the closet.

So today I was reminiscing the past about life turbulences and my sexuality. I developed a keen of difference around the early 90's when Crystal Waters was on MTV. I had an attraction to her unlike any to a boy. Boys were infatuations, play things, desires. I can easily get over a man. I am not like anyone you've  seen. I have been married and took my husband on a ride of his life. I needed to fulfill my sexual desires by leveling with a man. A man can handle high sex drives and low communication. A woman on the other hand, cannot. 

The game is an act in which is deceptive to the mind. I prefer the jack of all trades. He stands on his own and wins without provocation. I level this with a man. 

A woman, I cannot. I feel, I ache, I love, I give my all. I cannot back away once I am in. I crave pain and deceit. Once I have a woman, I want to love her, caress her, give her things only I can provide. A man will never understand this. A man sees sex as a way to win his way to the jack of all trades. But in the end I hold the card.

With women I see sex as a symbol of sensuality. Not duality. But sex with a man is duality. It is a pleasure seeker. I regret my guilt, I regret I know I am split in two. I have a darker side to myself that makes me feel powerful and no, I don't want medications to suppress my inner urges to be powerful to be wanted, craved, and desired. 

I break hearts. I know. I usually get men who are lustful. Because I seek that too. I look for trust and comfort ability. A man can get in bed and do his sexual thrusts that sends me into infatuation. I thought I was in love. But I was not. I actually thought...oh, finally I am pulling away from myself more and more. I liked not feeling anything, nothing matters.

Pulling deep, deep into the dark ocean where it's safe. I like being alone and not having to worry about pleasing others or having to make choices where other people need something. I do give things, yes. But not choosing between Yes or No is better.

Give me the passion I crave and I will be yours. I will put you in for a ride. I promise you that. 

I met my first love in 20 yrs. she admitted, "I wanted to be a guy." I liked the idea of going inside of a woman and giving her the pleasures she needs." I think my clitoris was harder than a two inch dick.

You turn me on in every part of my being

Everything you do, every touch, every word, means something to me. I lie in bed awake thinking of our talks and embraces. I wake up thinking of you, it's weird how we connected in a way that makes me wonder if we were meant to be together for life. I wish that we made love when we were younger and nothing else mattered. I envied the love you shared after me. I wish that I was the one that pleased you.

A woman like you is all I need to feel complete. I don't need a man or anything to make it happen. I wish that nothing else could be more true. I know now as you lay in the next room and I , in my bed. I thought we would make love but it is too soon for you. I admit it, I am turned on just waiting...I am eager to find out what I am missing. 

I grabbed your heart last night, when I swept you off your feet. You swayed after I seductively embraced your mouth, and let my finger trace down your chin to the naple of your neck. Nothing is more true than what I want, and that's to be with you. Your breast are so beautiful, how they sit so comfortably with each and every breath you take, oh how I want to taste them as you moan from everlasting enticement. I kid you not, you will be in heaven when we get to this bridge.

You want me to let go of HIM. Yes...I will. I promise. He will never get to taste me again because somehow...he is an imagination. Why oh why did I ever? You said to me, You better not be with anyone else, but me. That made me so excited I had to run off the bed and kiss you the way I did, I have to. I need you to feel my energy...feel it build up after twenty years, C*****. You are my sweetheart. 

We need to get you back to who you are. You want your hair short, but won't do it because your mom wants it long...but it's not who you are. Get it cut, and no more blond. It's not you. You are a brunette so let it be known. We will get your teeth fixed, those things can be repaired. Promise you that. Come back to me .....

Going back to bed now.