Monday, July 25, 2011

Lifting myself

Time to make a change into my life and that I am doing now. I made some mistakes that I cannot take away I don't know what to write so I'm just going to go with the flow of my inhibitions and if nothing make sense well then I must be one nutcase. Well let's start with my relationship I am currently in a very drawn out relationship that I encountered because I  was lonely and wanted to feel love and hope it would feel like cloud nine..forever. But indeed it did not and now here I am in my new place. Alone and more disheveled with myself than ever before. 

I was married to Frank Hickey for five years than it ended because I cheated on him just because I did not love him, he did not love me. We got married for the sake of government money through the marine corps. We moved in together and that did not go well, I ended up being verbally abusive to him because he did things NOT the way I wanted. I like a clean house, clean husband, good sex, girls, and god knows what else. I just did not care about what he had to say. He went to Iraq to fight a war I did not agree with I hated how they brainwashed him into thinking this was the way of life. 

So it ended in 2008. Yup. I went from marriage to Akin who I was with loyally until now he has smacked me choked me while I ran my mouth in pure ignorance and yes I too smacked him. it just got ugly. In the beginning we were into each other hardcore, I loved his geeky ways, his strange pen tricks and obsession with DC comics, Batman and other  trivial things. I loved how he drove so well and thought he was career driven while I struggled to find myself he was my escape to that. I remember our first night together was magic, I loved every moment of it we re-enacted scenes from Dracula and wow I was captivated. I still don't get why but he just did. I'm always attracted to men who are weird, drawn and to themselves. I guess because I too, am introvert. Now about my problems that I am going to decipher, breakdown and over analyze.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar, depression, manic depression. Yeah I have been this way since childhood. I was adopted and lead a life I rather not go into deep details. Because I do have a stalker and she will use this as ammunition to get even. I was abused as a kid and now everyone may think, "Yeah, yeah we heard this before"...But not everyone deals with it the same way. So I also have had really messed up relationships since then. I try to get myself together and eventually something comes back to bite me in the ass or lead me down a dark, narrow road of deceit. I am tired of it. I try to be normal. I want a normal life and a normal relationship. But I figured Akin and I were inseparable. Truth is, I can't stand him. He has no in-depth communication, we can't talk. it's like gibberish, drooling and just plain..COOKOO. I feel guilty being with him this far and hoping for the best. I can't do this. I feel like shit because he knows me. He knows what happens when my fingers tingle, he knows when I am going to have a panic attack or feel really depressed. I think honestly he made sure I became needy of him so when I do decide to pull away I will feel guilty and anxious. He doesn't support my decision to going back to college I need to make money of my own and he is trying so hard to make me pregnant. Honestly, when I lost my daughter in 2008 it affected me in so many ways. So I do want my daughter back..just not with him.

I want to speak of myself here but how? Everything I talk about is reflecting on him. Because to me it is always about him. Never about me. So wouldn't it be odd if I met a guy who was about him and I too, would think of him?  I don't know but something else is eating at me 
I have PCOS which I don't ovulate right so my cycles are off. Well, I spotted three times this month. once before the 11th of July then on the 11th and friday very light pink and then gone. 
my breast have been really hurting me. then it doesn't hurt so much just sensitive to everything. No man will want me if I'm pregnant! I don't want that because I have met someone but I don't think he really likes me. 

We got close..FAST. like second date BAM. then after than...GONE. After that I go..BATSHIT.
And he is like..."WHOOP...P-S-Y-C-H-O" hahaha. Yeah, well this guy got my attention and honestly I do need to take a break in between to figure myself out.  Well I'm tired my eyeball is rolling around in my head running away from the bright lcd screen light.