Sunday, October 28, 2012

Marvelous so the Desert awaits me

WHY in God's name is he coming into my numbskull? I am thinking of him again...oh boy. What the hell is going on with me? I m trying to reminisce some bullshit and really I don't know if I can do this again. He is still my type. ARGH! It pisses me off because I don't want to feel this way. I can't help how awesome he was to me then we got into it. He says I am a bully online and actually I am like that always but nice too. I am BIPOLAR ...I mentioned it like twenty something times. So I guess I could mention it again. He wants someone who will be working for I don't want to work. I will go to College and establish debt, no problem. Other than that I don't want to work. Nope.  So after thinking about the things he requires in a woman I decided deep in myself that he is not right for me. He ignored me for almost a year then I don't know...he judged me. That's what made me go nuts. I hate critical thinking it makes me feel like I am walking on eggshells. I have to be perfect and that is not me. I want someone who is unique. Who could give a rat's ass about what income I have as long as I am holding it down on my own and I am happy. That's all that you should be concerned with. I don't want your money I do want kids so if you want some I'm all for it. I don't want to be married because no way in hell am I going to mingle with a brood of people that hates non-egyptians.

Also he mentioned something in an email about a horny girl in person, well it shows you don't know me very well. I AM a horny person when I am seduced and wanted. If you just come over my house for a quick cum dump and sayonara then expect me to NOT to give it up. I am not one to be used. Unless I am guaranteed to be your mistress. I can settle for being a mistress. :-)

I have a fricking midterm and I am NOT looking forward to it. I HATE HATE HATE my photography class. I don't know why I am stressed about it like always. I have midterms tomorrow goodbye.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Letting go and accepting how fake you are.

Well a week has gone by and still no phone call from Kris. She obviously had no intention of calling or even reconciling a long lost friendship with me because she has a girlfriend a new house and God knows what else she feels she is on top of the world and no one else matters. I hate people like that. I never realized she was so trivial, and hopefully one day when her world comes crashing down she'll see I was a good friend but in this world it is not about who you can lean on or trust it is about how bad you really are, how much shit can you take from other people how far will you go to be seen. That type of thing. I did try to make it happen but Kris lied and ignored me. I am done. and will never look back.

Fuck you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


I am bipolar. Yes. It makes me crazy I can't control it anymore. I need meds. Yeah...I can't get over how fucked up in the head I am. With College and midterms I am nuttier than ever. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

And still waiting on that anticipated phone call

I am still waiting for that phone call from Kris. Yeah, I stayed up until 2am hoping she'll call I had the phone next to me like a sad, pathetic loser. I wrote her on two separate profiles in hopes to get in touch with her and yet...the only reason we got ahold of each other is because I went ALL the way to Syracuse to her last known address which happens to be her sister's address. Her sister didn't open the door someone else did then quickly shut it because we were complete strangers to them. I thought if I just ask a neighbor just to be sure. And none of them knew who Kris was, or pretended not to. So after going down the steps I felt a sense of panic and wanted to rip my heart out and ask it to stop pounding so hard for a woman I haven't seen in over 15 yrs. My heart just cried harder. Well My sister brought her smeagol with her who was the most annoying creature I ever met. She looks ghastly and has a chip on her shoulder about everything. The car battery stopped working so the neighbor helped us and I gave her my number to call me if Kris shows up and on my way back to shitty Rochester I got a facebook message from guess who? Yup. Kris. I was livid, I was howling like a coyote and my sister's was being a bitch about her car, her car not balancing right despite the fact the wind was going really fast. It is only a an hr and half drive. So Kris seemed confused about everything and happy too wanted to know if we were still there and so I told her no I drove home. She then said she would contact me via cell and quickly text me and how did I get her sister's address and ups and downs. Then she said "I won't be on very long I need your number please contact me blah blah blah...". I was so happy told her "please don't lose contact with me, I miss you so much." I cried as I wrote her...then the messages ceased. I felt that familiar feeling of my heart sinking back to its usual position of hopelessness. I realized then we may never see each other unless I make the move. I waited for this alleged text message or call and nothing came through. I felt sad and hurt. Then it dawned on me she is in a CONTROLLED relationship and doesn't have a car it what she told me. And no phone. So I am going to have ask myself this, when she sent me those messages she did it through a mobile phone....who's phone was it? Her girlfriends? Possibly. I will see her, even if we go to a bar or close to where she is I will go.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Visiting Syracuse on the spur of the moment

I went to Syracuse today. I went to see my love, Kris. I loved her when we were young and now it is still there. I went out to Syracuse without having any way to contact her. .God she is beautiful. I miss her all because I didn't get the chance to make love to her, it kills my heart and I feel crazy. I don't know why I waited so long to get this chance and now Akin is trying to get in my life I slowly kept him away from my life, away from my door. And now I can begin to be myself again.  I feel so torn inside because I didn't say, Yes when she wanted me. I wanted her too and I blocked her out. I am waiting for her call...xoxoxo I love you baby.

Monday, October 15, 2012

One way or another you have cockblockers.

I really don't get how people can be cock-blockers and feel good about it. I personally don't know what else to say other than, I tried. I am not going to try again. I am over it, and I'm over Debra too. So go ahead and keep my ex on your page. But don't be angry when I fuck your ex. FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Right on time/ Kris's ex.

So last night I wanted to talk to an old friend from back in my teen years. And I found a number that I thought was good and called it. BIG mistake apparently it was an ex's phone number and let me tell you this chick was nuttier than squirrel shit. I thought to myself, well...I don't wanna play psycho games with you;but you give me no choice.

 I let this retarded chick go ahead and get her jollies off by replying how impeccable I was for even contacting a number without knowing him/her and she was in fact a "he" and a homosexual man. I heard the voice loud as day and it was definitely a young girl who was scarred by my friend. So when I mentioned, "Cow tipping" and how she may prefer to do that she flipped out and decided to call my number back and so I implemented I was indeed a man who she doesn't know but could if she liked sucking a big black one. And so then she mentioned how she was a male gigolo and needed to go to her clients. I told her we have a special section for her down on lyell ave made and designed by the white trash of that sector. She became infuriated and called me a bitch and all types of usual names in the book. 

If you're going to argue, be creative. Let it hurt. If it doesn't hurt me, you're weak. So of course her arguments were weak and so I let her know straight up: "I love Kris, and always will. I am sorry she hates your guts. :-)." She didn't reply. Which means it hurt her. And I am glad. Don't come out our face to me, I am not the one. I have a very strong persona and don't take shit from anyone if I ever have to beat someone's ass, trust me it would get ugly. 

Kris needs to pick older women with a backbone made of gold. Because that girl was so childish and immature she needed a time out. I am 32 today. whoopee. And I am also grown.
School is great, I had the biggest menstrual cycle of the year this week. It is finally ending and until next time I will be bled free for awhile.  I swear to God I let out a huge blood clot and it looked like Satan's face, it had horns....onto better topics.

My sister has her own place now and we're getting along better, we have our ups and down and her girlfriend is something else though.Always crying and miserable all the time. She is always sulking and trying to take a cut at me because I am usually successful at what I need. I am always helping others out, I like to be on top of my game. I am a bit of a narc. Sometimes. I can be a loving person and understanding but don't cross me because you will feel my wrath, I am definitely vengeful. 

So anyway, I want to see her. I am over this guy thing...I know what  I want. I am horny today and so I am going to look at some awesome porn and think about her kissing me, throwing me on the bed grinding her hips against mine, telling me, I'm hers ad this is what I want. Her eyes are gorgeous, when I first saw her it was instant hit. Yep. I am going to see her again. mark my words. I am going to see her this week.