Saturday, November 16, 2013

Separating myself from him

So now I am here completely preparing myself for the next step in my journey. Even though I am nervous and unsure of what the future holds I think this is the best idea yet. I've tried before and still the relationship is the same since that time. I live alone, and he lives with Daddy and Mommy. Tonight I was saying things like, you're unsure of what the future holds and moving in might be like before. We can't seem to connect with each other. I don't know how to connect to someone who hasn't made an effort to bring themselves up and someone who doesn't respect me. He doesn't. 

1. smoking in my house
2. unhygienic
3. Gets an attitude with me on the phone when I need help.
4. Doesn't take no for an answer
5. lewd acts and put downs towards me and women by saying, "oh because you're a female"
6. teeth rotting and walks around that way. Smiles in peoples faces like that.
7. no income, doesn't help with bills. 
8. ash burns on my carpet, messes.
9. only thinks about what he needs and how it will benefit him.

I am done. I told him tonight we are through. He caught an attitude with me over small stuff. We argue about everything he tries to character assassinate me any chance he gets. Whenever we speak to each other we fight. I am done.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Looking it over, the truth was in my face.

While I try to keep my bitching or insecurities to myself I couldn't help but read back for the past two years I have been depressed, lost and unsure. The only things keeping me together is College and my goals. I can do this I can make plans and figure them out for myself. I no longer have to feel scared or confused. No more burned carpets, crazy antics or trivial useless conversations with sideshow bob. I realized some things are meant to be kept locked up in small basements. Once I find a place I will get into therapy and back into Church. And maybe down the road I can start dating again. Not going to online chat sites and finding myself a psycho. I tend to attract those types like magnets. Rochester will forever be burned in my brain like a nasty twat disease. I will keep updates, pictures of my trip as it will be a few days. Of the places I chose. well good night school in the morning and a trip to student services...yippee. 

Taking the first step on my own

I see now the signs of God and what he has put forth in front of me. Dear Lord I thank you for showing me what needed to be seen. I know this journey is for me to take on my own and not to involve others. I have taken the first step towards my success. I have done other things but this one step is a nig one and involves being an adult and separating myself from insolence. All I want in my life is meet a man of Catholic faith who can show me the Lord once again. I miss feeling put together and happiness. I miss Church and the Christmas Holiday. I can't wait to do this!! I love you God. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Controlling like always.and I got my driver license

As time goes on and my moving gets closer I see Akin getting more and more dominating and trying to change my mind on what I want to do. First, it was "save money then move." I did that, now its, "oh look at people coming up here from _____. So they must love it here. At every possible angle Akin tries to diminish my plans.

I want to go home. I don't want to be here, and I want to meet new people and get away from him. He is the one hindering me from my success. I like College but right now I think after Spring I am going to take a break. I need to move first, then when I am done, I'll continue. I am only doing one thing at a time and Akin just keeps on trying to block me; he is one sad person. I don't love this guy but he is nuts so I can't remove him entirely.

 I tried with him but everything he does; he fails. Never tried to fix his grades at College, lives in a filthy basement. Hasn't taken my dog to get registered for behavioral classes so she can become a registered dog to go anywhere (like apartments that don't accept dogs). He doesn't wash his body at least a few times a week. Read up on turkish people and a lot of them don't bathe daily. They like the smell of sweat and dirty hair. (EW.)

He needs a turkish girlfriend, where he can be islam all day and she can have a sweaty vagina and he can lick her all day and she'll say, "praise Allah!" and all that cluster fuckery. Ech, I miss pork patties and being able to go to Church. I miss it so much! I dreamed about Church and God the other day. I like this guy in my class and he is Catholic. I miss that life. Being American.

I am ready to do this! I wish my sister was supportive and there for me. I want that life again. Where I can have my family there and still have my sanity. I have a car now and my driver license. I don't need to rely on this kid anymore. I crave a nerdy guy who cares about himself enough to bathe and care for his girlfriend. Not control her or demean her ability to be bright and secure. I hate how akin says I love you like 20 times a day. No lie. It's crazy.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Changing the perimeter of things to come

                         You are not mine to change.

These ideas I had of a future I daunted is definitely in place. I am so drained and tired of trying to make ends meet and make those small things happen so I don't trip over other ideas. One thing at a time is okay but when someone else tries to get in between your plans you have no motive to stay calm and try to make those particular goals go one by one. Because sooner or later someone is going to stop you from wanting those dreams to come true because they want different things. And instead of trying to make a change to work out they'll intimidate or manipulate your ideas. I flew off the handle today I have a car, he wants control of it. I have an apt he wants to run it. I don't want sex, he wants to take it. Nothing is ever a 50/50 deal. It is always gimme gimme.

I then have my addicted sister who is a liar and a person that my controlling boyfriend is attracted to. I see how he laughs at her jokes that are not funny. I hate them both. I want my own friends, my own life that does not involve Debra or Akin. They bring me down, both free loaders and both on some type of a drug. If I eliminate both I'll be better off. I go on my alienware computer and zone out I am doing just fine. I don't feel the need to snuggle or bond in anyway. This relationship has been over a long time. 

The longer I hold on, the longer I distance myself from my happiness and my own self worth. Debra is hardly the person I can rely on when I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel connected to God, I feel like I need time with him, he keeps showing me he is there. By little signs and tells me "I am here, come home!" Every time I want to go back to my Church I hear akin tempting me to stay. I have a big feeling that he is not part of my future.