Changing the perimeter of things to come

                         You are not mine to change.

These ideas I had of a future I daunted is definitely in place. I am so drained and tired of trying to make ends meet and make those small things happen so I don't trip over other ideas. One thing at a time is okay but when someone else tries to get in between your plans you have no motive to stay calm and try to make those particular goals go one by one. Because sooner or later someone is going to stop you from wanting those dreams to come true because they want different things. And instead of trying to make a change to work out they'll intimidate or manipulate your ideas. I flew off the handle today I have a car, he wants control of it. I have an apt he wants to run it. I don't want sex, he wants to take it. Nothing is ever a 50/50 deal. It is always gimme gimme.

I then have my addicted sister who is a liar and a person that my controlling boyfriend is attracted to. I see how he laughs at her jokes that are not funny. I hate them both. I want my own friends, my own life that does not involve Debra or Akin. They bring me down, both free loaders and both on some type of a drug. If I eliminate both I'll be better off. I go on my alienware computer and zone out I am doing just fine. I don't feel the need to snuggle or bond in anyway. This relationship has been over a long time. 

The longer I hold on, the longer I distance myself from my happiness and my own self worth. Debra is hardly the person I can rely on when I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel connected to God, I feel like I need time with him, he keeps showing me he is there. By little signs and tells me "I am here, come home!" Every time I want to go back to my Church I hear akin tempting me to stay. I have a big feeling that he is not part of my future.