Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Finally an answer I can go with.
The collaboration of it all.
Anyway, let me lead this blog to a point: Akin is something else with his "pretending" to be normal and being 'alright' with me being an independent woman. He likes chaos in a mental way, with his little "mittle -thingies" he does. He tries to seek negative attention from me by "Showing off" that he's in school. He is outside the smoke pit hanging out with a bunch of little kids who are yelling and acting immature. He is such a turn off.I don't care about your little smoking session, this isn't about you. This is about me and my problems with student aid and trying to get that Title IV sent out to me asap. I set up an agreement and expect their end of the deal to be held. I pay 75 bucks a month and they take the hold off my account. I guess these things take time (60 days according to the paperwork). And I am stressed right now because I need to get into classes. He is such an arrogant air head. Then he starts picking a fight with me about why I don't want to answer my phone. I am not in the mood.I just turned my phone off and just tried turning it back on and he calls agains starting with me when he yells he shrills. It is so ghastly and hair rising because he tries to sound dominant and sounds like a skinny rooster with no Testosterone running around the chicken den trying to dominant a bunch of chickens only to get a beat down.
I wanted to date Mina because I felt he is just as much of a mentalist as I am. He is such a coward can't handle a bad girl. Yeah, I'm not a prissy blond living with Mommy&Daddy and always smiling about all the money that gets handed to me. No, I am a 31 yr old woman with ambition and fire.I don't live around people until I feel complete I stay alone, not that I don't like people I just have a low tolerance to bullshit. I am about focusing on getting what I need. I don't like the current situation I am in.
I was looking for a guy on my level then I realized that was not going to work. I am not ready for the dating scene right now. I need to be around people to "feel" things and get my mind going. Mina did help me with that for a short .05 seconds when he came to see me. He is something else too though. He decided to block me from every source of communication. He lives his life through others, he has no happiness of his own because he constantly seeks reassurance through his "circle of horseshit". Why? I don't get it why not do things for yourself. Fuck it, if you like crazy bitches then go for it. All because he got a few calls and some weird emails...this is the internet not real life he takes everything literal and doesn't give people a chance. His mind is fixated on fucking Krystyna. UGH. Why doesn't she just disappear?! She looks like Mr.Bean and looks really weird and boring. Who the hell lives out in Brockport in a trailer surrounded by woods? I mean I can understand the whole peace scene...but sheesh. That's ANTI-SOCIAL. He talks about me...I have reasons for the things I do.
I was deleting a whole bunch of VM off my phone and got a VM from mina. It was actually nice to hear his voice and then all the drama resulting to him ignoring me.. came back to haunt me, so I deleted it. I decided now I am moving on and this time I am not looking back. If he wants to get sucked in by the disgusting attitudes and unsurreal personalities within Rochester, fine. I am not. I will continue to be myself. I will fight to stay alive. I know that I am going to College for two years and then I am out of here. I need this stupid degree and once that's completed I can GET OUT of Rochester, NY. and then hopefully I can meet someone with an outgoing personality in another state someone who has traveled like I have and seen life firsthand. Something about small towns and the people living in it, it is like they all live the same way...in circles of people they "trust". And it's like meeting one person when in actuality you're talking to five or six people in the same crowd. I've lived in solace for six whole years, my mind is stir crazy and I fed on their snobbiness, I am so one inch away from head bumping this lilywhite bitch, Theresa. She is like the shrill voice that shouts from an iceberg in a loud thundering high pitch voice that sends the ice crashing slowly to the ground...and she'll go down with it.
I am tired of how white girls out here think they're superb in their college sweatshirts and small tiny 10yr. old minnie frame. I am telling you, it's like when they hit middle school (Whispered to myself):something in the water...yeah...something in the water that prevented them from hitting puberty. So the whiney little voice this cunt has makes you wanna grab her face and slam it onto a nearby counter space.I am NOTHING like that. And somehow this bitch is cool with Mina...just because she is fucking his brother doesn't mean he gotta be buddy-buddy with the little tramp. She assumed the color of my skin has something to do with my sarcastic whit. I'll show her how I hold the color of her skin true to me, when I peel it off with a cheese grater.
He spammed my cell. Yeah because I spammed him. I guess he feels he is in the right and nothing he did was wrong. I just don't tolerate shit from people all my life I was mistreated and here comes Mina tra..la.la..la skipping along and stopping for a view and..you know what he reminds me of? One of those customers who come in to buy something and you really need the commission and he keeps asking about it and asking..then picks it up then says no..kinda fucking with your conscience. He tries to bargain with an already bargained deal to get you to accept the deal then you lose commission because you agree to the deal...then you find out the next day that he returned the item! and so you lose commission AND a potential sale. THAT IS MINA for you!A picky fucking friend shopper. He settles for the meek tiny white girls who don't have tits or a mind that screams personality. He runs from the site of reality. He had the nerve to ask me to go to a concert all the way out in Syracuse when he stopped speaking to me for 6 mos. -_-...... Yeah.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Radio 538: Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (Jeroen Nieuwenhuize remix)
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)
(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Eminem]
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going?
"I'm leaving you"
No you ain't. Come back we're running right back.
Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who's that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Eminem]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills you used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, hit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em
So lost in the moments when you're in them
It's the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways
Guess if they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Eminem]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna
[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
TLC - Red Light Special (Dirty Version)
Take a good look at it
Look at it now
Might be the last time you'll
Have a go round
I'll let you touch it if you'd
Like to go down
I'll let you go further
If you take the southern route
Don't go too fast
Don't go too slow
You've got to let your body flow
I like 'em attentive
And I like 'em in control
Chorus:
Baby it's yours
All yours
If you want it tonight
I'll give you the red light special
All through the night
Baby it's yours
All yours
If you want it tonight
Just come through my door
Take off my clothes
And turn on the red light
I know that you want me I can
See it in your eyes
You might as well be honest 'cause the
Body never lies
Tell me your secrets and I'll
I'll tell you mine
I'm feelin' quite sexy
And I want you for tonight
If I move too fast just let me know
'Cause it means you move too slow
I like some excitement
And I like a man that goes
Chorus
If you want me
Let me know it
I'll make time but
You've got to show it
If you need me
I want to see
But don't mistake me
I don't want you down on your knees
I need someone a real man
I need someone who understands
I'm a woman a real woman
I know just what I want
I know just who I am
Xscape - Understanding
What I need from you is understanding,
How can we communicate,
If you don't hear what I say.
What I need from you is understanding,
So simple as 1-2-3,
Understanding is what we need.
[Verse One (Tiny):]
You don't really know me,
You just wanna do what you wanna do.
That's not the way it should be,
No, you should listen to me boy.
I try so very hard to make you understand,
But the choices you make, baby they're all demands.
[Break:]
[Kandi]
I try so very hard to keep our love alive,
But you don't wanna meet me half way,
Then the understanding dies.
[Tamika]
There's no way that we can work it out,
If we don't pull together.
I don't mean to be demanding,
But I want some understanding,
I want to be with you.
[Repeat Chorus]
[Verse Two (LaTocha):]
I listen to you baby,
And I know the things you're going through.
I try to understand,
That's why I'm still here with you, baby.
See everyday we're living,
Is one thing that will always be unsure.
That's why I need you baby, pleading baby,
Please let our love endure.
Ne -yo and jennifer hudson leaving tonight
(feat. Jennifer Hudson)
[Ne-Yo talking:]
I believe that love and trust are one in the same
I don't think you can truly love somebody unless you trust them
That blind trust, that beyond a shadow of a doubt
No matter what this person sayin, that person
You believe your man
Now you say you love me, but every time one of your little friends come at you with something
We gotta do this
Mama I'm tryin, I'm trying to show you that I'm for real
Tell me what I gotta do to show you that I'm for you
[Jennifer Hudson talking:]
Just shut up and listen
[Verse 1 - Jennifer Hudson:]
Two hundred and sixteen
That's how many times that I went
Back and forth about it in my mind
Could she, could she really be
Who he's telling me that she is
There's something about it
That don't feel right
[Bridge 1 - Jennifer Hudson (Ne-Yo)]
Said today she called here 26 times
(I know you counted)
You kept telling me not to worry
(Don't worry bout it)
Wanna believe that you're telling the truth
(So don't doubt it)
But if you are lying to me
[Chorus 1 - Jennifer Hudson (Ne-Yo)]
You're leaving tonight
Out of my life
Everyone said you ain't no good
Then you prove them right
You're leaving tonight
It's over and done
Ain't no sense in trying to wait till the morning comes
(You're leaving tonight)
[Verse 2 - Ne-Yo]
Baby now hold up
Lets just settle down
Cuz there's a perfect explanation
To this situation
That we're goin through
(This thing that we're goin through)
I swear I don't know that girl
But I seen her 'round
And she's expressed how much she want it
But baby I'm not lonely
All of me is around you
[Bridge 2 - Ne-Yo (Jennifer Hudson)]
Said I got a girl like a thousand times
(So you counted)
She kept telling me not to worry
(Don't worry bout it)
Please believe I'm telling the truth
(I really doubt it)
Really wish you would believe in me
[Chorus 2 - Ne-Yo]
I'm not leaving tonight
Girl you're my life
All of your friends think I'm no good
Please don't prove them right
I'm not leaving tonight
Its over and done
Let's leave this alone, and lets make love
Till the morning come
(Not leaving tonight)
[Bridge 3 - Jennifer Hudson (Ne-Yo)]
Oh I won't deny
That everything in my body
Wants to know that you're the one
(So what's the problem girl?)
See I can't take this serious when you're just having fun
(No, I'm not just having fun)
Steady running around making a fool of me
(Baby girl you can't listen to everyone
I'm your man, trust in me
Don't let them interfere with us being happy)
[Breakdown - Jennifer Hudson (Ne-Yo)]
(Love me girl)
I love you, that's a fact
(Say that you love me baby)
But I'll be dammed if ima let you up and disrespect who's been there from the start
(You not gon disrespect my heart)
You claim to not know (not know that girl)
But her name and number is in your phone
She even got a ringtone
You care to explain that part?
[Bridge 1 - Jennifer Hudson (Ne-Yo)]
Said today she called here 26 times
(I know you counted)
You kept telling me not to worry
(Please don't worry bout it)
Wanna believe that you're telling the truth
(So don't doubt it)
But if you are lying to me
[Chorus 3 - Ne-Yo (Jennifer Hudson)]
I'm not leaving tonight
Girl you're my life
(Everyone said you ain't no good
And you prove them right)
I'm not leaving tonight
(It's over and done)
Just leave us alone
And lets make love
Till the morning come
Not leaving tonight
[Outro - Ne-Yo (Jennifer Hudson)]
Said I just need you to trust me
(I wanna trust you)
Not leaving tonight
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
fighting this cold
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Congested mind/lots of cursing.
I hate how I have to breathe out of my mouth because my nostrils are rendered useless. The fuck. I hate having to shower when I'm sick, I love showering just not when I'm sick. I also hate the nasal drip and the itching of the ear canal and having to make this weird throat noise to scratch it, makes it sound almost like an "animalistic" grunting.Oh, and I hate how I am already hearing impaired and my head is congested so is my ears. So hearing anything is next to impossible.
When people call me it sounds funny far away with an irritation to my ears. I can't hear the TV, I already have it to 32 on the Volume, now it is at 54. I know people around my building are like, "This bitch needs a new hearing aid." Anyway, Yeah my sister is unsanitary, she likes to swap spit with different people I guess she is so lonely so she rather have antibodies of viral horseshit floating in her infectious body of flaming pus. I really really hate her guts. I despise her for the trouble she caused me, she told my soon to be ex...one day I'll break him off.
Anyway, She knows I have an infatuation for this guy who doesn't even acknowledge my existence, she told my BF about how I like the way his hair smells and how I like his personality and blah blah blah....I'm like, "Bitch, you live in a broken down storefront and have neighbors/sidekicks who bathe out of buckets and smell like dead zoo animals you never finished college and fight and steal from people. And you want to try and blow me up on an innocent causality?
I have goals and plans and will get those goals! I know what I want and will fight to get it. I do have deep feelings for M. I always will. He was not some 'cheapshot bootycall' he was seriously someone I would've wanted as a friend or kept in my speeddial log whenever he wanted to see me I would've been there. I really appreciate his friendship and to lose it was extremely devastating for me. So to hear this cheap bitch talk ill of my accomplishments and passions just made me realize exactly what I was up against. I wanted to be with a man I felt was my equal or can bring me up in this world.
I know in my heart he thinks of me, I hope fondly. If not, then I must be some really evil person that no one can seem to understand. What is it about me that leads people to think I am not worthy? I have done everything I should do without bringing other people with me. I keep my personal issues to myself and fight them on my own in anyway I can. I do accept gifts from A. And that is what upset M. And I did not want to hurt him, AFTER he hurt me with the, "I don't want to see you again" I felt my chest filled with pain of knowing how those words could be so true. I really want him, in every way. I wish somehow things could be different. I wish I could just see him again and tell him how I really feel he brings that out of me he makes me feel like I have some serious changing to do and no one has EVER had that kind of hold on me. I am a dark person at heart, but yet I love deeply and in my own way. I don't really know how else I am suppose to be I don't know what passion he endures. Love is a good thing and I wish I could show him that.
He said some negative things about me and I am unsure if he meant it or if he was just extremely deviated by my words and actions. I will never know because he won't tell me. He will not converse me negative nor positive, it leads me to speculate he could care less to speak to me and I am not even worth a few words.I think that is acting lionhearted and mean. What if one day he decides to talk to me again like a year or two and I moved on? I am getting closer to the idea he really does not like me at all.And instead of expressing any type of emotion he is just ignoring me all together ... My motivation is Education. And so far things are going good. I consolidated my small loan and will be heading back this Summer. I am going alone. And intend to be in totally different classes from A.
He is trying to tell me to attend classes the same time as him. And I am going to slowly pull off from him. This is my life and I don't want to keep this going any longer. He keeps buying me stuff and because my broke ass keeps accepting it. I do have my car stuff to take care of and haven't done so because I was sick this past week and remember the week before it was a stomach bug, so evidently my immune system was down and so the white blood cells were under attack. Anyway, I will be taking care of the things I need to do. I think once I do these things maybe then I will see things differently. I want to major in Computer Science so when I head off to RIT I am going for Computer Science. I love Computers and they're the core of my being I want to learn everything about them and what makes them sufficient what makes them who they are. I want to build my own robot and maybe learn to make microships.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Finally growing old.
Beyoncé feat. Jay-Z - Deja Vu ft. Jay-Z
[Intro:]
[Beyonce:] Bass
[Jay-Z:] Uh
[Beyonce:] Hi hat
[Jay-Z:] Uh
[Beyonce:] 808
[Jay-Z:] Uh
[Beyonce:] Jay
[Jay-Z:] Uh-huh
Ready?
Uh-huh
[Beyonce:] Let's go get 'em
[Jay-Z:] Uh-huh
C'mon
[Jay-Z Rap]
I used to run base like Juan Pierre
Now I run the bass hi hat and the snare
I used to bag girls like Birkin Bags
Now I bag B ([Beyonce:] Boy you hurtin' that)
Brooklyn Bay where they birthed me at
Now I be everywhere, the nerve of rap
The audacity to have me whippin curtains back
Me and B, she about to sting
Stand back
[Verse 1]
Baby seems like everywhere I go
I see you, from your eyes, your smile
It's like I breathe you, helplessy I reminisce
Don't want to compare nobody to you
[Pre-Hook]
Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go
Oh
[Hook]
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
[Verse 2]
Seeing things that I know can't be
Am I dreaming? When I saw you walking past me
Almost called your name
Got a better glimpse and then I looked away
It's like I'm losing it
[Pre-hook]
Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go, oh
[Hook]
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja vu
[Jay-Z Rap 2]
Yes! Hova's flow so unusual
Baby, girl you should already know
It's H-O, light up the strobe
'Cause you gon' need help tryna study my bounce, flow, blow
What's the difference?
One, you take in vein while the other you sniffin'
It's still dough, po-po try to convict him
That's a no-go
My dough keep the scales tippin like 4-4's
Like I'm from the H-O-U-S-T-O-N
Blow, wind so Chicago of him
Is he the best ever, that's the argu-a-ment
I don't make the list, don't be mad at me
I just make the hits, like a factory
I'm just one-to-one, nothin' after me
No Deja Vu, just me and my, Oh
[Bridge]
Baby I can't go anywhere
Without thinking that you're there
Seems like you're everywhere, it's true
Gotta be having Deja Vu
'Cause in my mind I want you here
Get on the next plane, I don't care
Is it because I'm missing you
That I'm having Deja Vu
[Pre-hook]
Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go
Whoo...
[Hook]
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu