Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Finally growing old.

Yesterday an epiphany hit me about myself.I cannot continue to make excuses for myself today is the day I will wake up and see the big picture. I finally consolidated my small loan I owed for school. And so I now know that I need to make those changes no one is going to do it for me. When do we wake up and recognize our failures? If we can find what makes us bitter we can have fulfilled happiness as long as we make those changes. I cannot wait to go back to school and not have to worry about debt. I have above College level reading and writing, as for math is a pain in my ass. Oddly, I want to study computer science and psychology. Something about the human brain that sets me in a trance of constant analyzation so anyway, I am listening to Portishead-Carry on. I remember this song from a long time ago when I used to be a pothead. It was always floating in my head, I think weed made me see myself in a different way.So I should be able to attend College this Summer, take half classes and then start full time in the Fall. I already took the accuplacer and so I will be that school everyday. I don't care about anything else but completing it so I can go to RIT at 31...Yeah, I am REALLY late. I don't know of any thirty yr olds in College.I can always lie about my age. No one has to know about it after all I still look like I'm in my twenties. I love Computers, tech and the geeks that come with it. So I know I can meet other geeky guys and go to town on them haha...It's fun being able to live on your own and my freedom is becoming more and more in depth. A. is finally loosening his grip on me and not being so clingy and has finally realized he cannot control my every move.I don't want to get married right now, I don't want kids right now either. He is persistent with trying to get me pregnant...ew. I think it is a turnoff from life and puts a hold on my choices. I want a kid with someone I can relate to, someone who can bring me up in this world and not bring me down. I don't want to keep relying on him for small stuff. I want to have my own and I will.I'm excited about this transformation in my life and a new beginning.No more clouds over my head leaving me to ponder in confusion.

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