Friday, September 26, 2014

Loving this life

Finally settled into my new life. I am going to pay one visit upstate and then I will be back. Now for my girlfriend...

I love her. Always have I like it if she wasn't so ...boring. I mean, I love her but um...things aren't what they once were. She used to be feisty and confident. I dunno why she changed the way she did. Hell, I never changed myself for anyone. Fuck you if you don't like me. That's my motto.

I definitely changed sexually and right now I have my period. Ech. so heavy too. Anyway, why do white girls pussies smell like furry rabbits?

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Not sure if crazy is what I like

I wonder what makes people so stupid? I mean, we all like to be in love and love others. But when it comes down to be together with someone we have to look back and ask ourselves if that's what we want. I tried to be with you, but you stay sleeping my nigga. All day. Everyday like you're hibernating. Turn down...Waaaaaaay down. I am not doing this with you. I can't be with someone who likes to sleep all day, everyday. ZZZZZZZZ...Me: "I'm horny C____!" "whaaa?"..ZZZZZZZZZ..."Let's eat"....ok....ZZZZZZZZZZ.....


Saturday, September 20, 2014

Never too late to come out of the closet.

So today I was reminiscing the past about life turbulences and my sexuality. I developed a keen of difference around the early 90's when Crystal Waters was on MTV. I had an attraction to her unlike any to a boy. Boys were infatuations, play things, desires. I can easily get over a man. I am not like anyone you've  seen. I have been married and took my husband on a ride of his life. I needed to fulfill my sexual desires by leveling with a man. A man can handle high sex drives and low communication. A woman on the other hand, cannot. 

The game is an act in which is deceptive to the mind. I prefer the jack of all trades. He stands on his own and wins without provocation. I level this with a man. 

A woman, I cannot. I feel, I ache, I love, I give my all. I cannot back away once I am in. I crave pain and deceit. Once I have a woman, I want to love her, caress her, give her things only I can provide. A man will never understand this. A man sees sex as a way to win his way to the jack of all trades. But in the end I hold the card.

With women I see sex as a symbol of sensuality. Not duality. But sex with a man is duality. It is a pleasure seeker. I regret my guilt, I regret I know I am split in two. I have a darker side to myself that makes me feel powerful and no, I don't want medications to suppress my inner urges to be powerful to be wanted, craved, and desired. 

I break hearts. I know. I usually get men who are lustful. Because I seek that too. I look for trust and comfort ability. A man can get in bed and do his sexual thrusts that sends me into infatuation. I thought I was in love. But I was not. I actually thought...oh, finally I am pulling away from myself more and more. I liked not feeling anything, nothing matters.

Pulling deep, deep into the dark ocean where it's safe. I like being alone and not having to worry about pleasing others or having to make choices where other people need something. I do give things, yes. But not choosing between Yes or No is better.

Give me the passion I crave and I will be yours. I will put you in for a ride. I promise you that. 

I met my first love in 20 yrs. she admitted, "I wanted to be a guy." I liked the idea of going inside of a woman and giving her the pleasures she needs." I think my clitoris was harder than a two inch dick.

Friday, September 19, 2014

You turn me on in every part of my being

Everything you do, every touch, every word, means something to me. I lie in bed awake thinking of our talks and embraces. I wake up thinking of you, it's weird how we connected in a way that makes me wonder if we were meant to be together for life. I wish that we made love when we were younger and nothing else mattered. I envied the love you shared after me. I wish that I was the one that pleased you.

A woman like you is all I need to feel complete. I don't need a man or anything to make it happen. I wish that nothing else could be more true. I know now as you lay in the next room and I , in my bed. I thought we would make love but it is too soon for you. I admit it, I am turned on just waiting...I am eager to find out what I am missing. 

I grabbed your heart last night, when I swept you off your feet. You swayed after I seductively embraced your mouth, and let my finger trace down your chin to the naple of your neck. Nothing is more true than what I want, and that's to be with you. Your breast are so beautiful, how they sit so comfortably with each and every breath you take, oh how I want to taste them as you moan from everlasting enticement. I kid you not, you will be in heaven when we get to this bridge.

You want me to let go of HIM. Yes...I will. I promise. He will never get to taste me again because somehow...he is an imagination. Why oh why did I ever? You said to me, You better not be with anyone else, but me. That made me so excited I had to run off the bed and kiss you the way I did, I have to. I need you to feel my energy...feel it build up after twenty years, C*****. You are my sweetheart. 

We need to get you back to who you are. You want your hair short, but won't do it because your mom wants it long...but it's not who you are. Get it cut, and no more blond. It's not you. You are a brunette so let it be known. We will get your teeth fixed, those things can be repaired. Promise you that. Come back to me .....

Going back to bed now.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Not sure why the Blog heading goes for AGES>>>

Different times and different days

I am loaded with homework, and I am sitting here trying to figure out if I am making a mistake. I hate when I make mistakes. But it seems like I do it all the time. And one of my mistakes was getting involved with a codependent man on suboxone. I haven't seen Akin since July. And every day gets easier and makes me feel free and happy.

This is all I wanted. Was to be happy and be able to do what I want and not have to feel burdened. I am looking to date or become intimate with a woman. Now here is where things get REAL tricky. 

I got in touch with a woman I knew from a group home I was in as a kid. She was 5 years older than me and we hit it off really good. She is different now. I met up with her and um..she is missing teeth in the front and lives in poor conditions. It made me sad so I took the time to buy her things she needed. Well, I think she's schizophrenic. She thought I was laughing on the phone, but I wasn't. I just get this feeling that she is nuts. I mean, she is still on medication and is being monitored by a nurse. 

I think maybe I should let her go. I don't want to, she was my love. And my bestfriend was Jo and she and I drifted apart. She's married with kids now. And doesn't even reach out to me. I mean I wasn't the nicest person at the time. But now, I regret it. I am not perfect but I feel like we all have mental illness and should remember that we are sick but that doesn't stop us from being loved and trusting each other. I miss them both. I wish I could just connect again. But she is different now, and I never thought her and I would not speak anymore. 

I feel like if I had kids she would be the one I go to all the time and build a relationship with my kids and her. She never once reached out to me and shared her joy. And never involved me in her religious circle or anything. It hurt me because I was  going through domestic violence and I know she told me to leave him. I did! I now live in CT an hour from her...but to see her who knows. She probably wouldn't. Even though I still talked to her when she was racist in VH and everyone hated her, I didn't care. I saw HER. I can see people...she was hurting. ALOT. I still miss her and I will always be her friend. 

It's okay if she doesn't care about me. 

I made this V.H page and it has almost 200 members. A girl posted pictures of the entire campus. I loved it. And I miss it  I really do. I wish I could back in time and change some of the choices I made. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Getting out of the closet

I am not going to go back to men. Ever. I am a lesbian for sure. I feel like a teenage boy though. I will save myself for my woman, I am not going back to men and I don't want to. Akin wants to see me and have me come back up to Rochester but I will not. Besides I need new tires on my car and I will come back as soon as I pay my bills. 

I don't want to go back there. If I go it's only for a little while...I hate Rochester. I have nothing but cold shoulders and racism thrown at me from every aspect. Akin wants to fuck me. I am not interested, I want a woman. I think men are gross. For sure. 

Taking one day at a time

I am in Connecticut. Definitely better than Rochester. 100 times better. Anyway, I met up with my first love, Chrissy. I still love her. And it's amazing and I was supposed to spend the night, but ...the house was filthy. I couldn't. I still love her but I couldn't. I don't know why people live like that it makes me mad. I have OCD, and I don't like filth. 

Why in the world would anyone want to live like that? Garbage everywhere and dirt on the walls and red stuff on the walls...blood? I dunno. I got creeped out.

But um, yeah. so I am busy I am always going places and meeting people. I am bored going back to bed and then homework time in the A.M