Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Not sure why the Blog heading goes for AGES>>>

Different times and different days


I am loaded with homework, and I am sitting here trying to figure out if I am making a mistake. I hate when I make mistakes. But it seems like I do it all the time. And one of my mistakes was getting involved with a codependent man on suboxone. I haven't seen Akin since July. And every day gets easier and makes me feel free and happy.

This is all I wanted. Was to be happy and be able to do what I want and not have to feel burdened. I am looking to date or become intimate with a woman. Now here is where things get REAL tricky. 

I got in touch with a woman I knew from a group home I was in as a kid. She was 5 years older than me and we hit it off really good. She is different now. I met up with her and um..she is missing teeth in the front and lives in poor conditions. It made me sad so I took the time to buy her things she needed. Well, I think she's schizophrenic. She thought I was laughing on the phone, but I wasn't. I just get this feeling that she is nuts. I mean, she is still on medication and is being monitored by a nurse. 

I think maybe I should let her go. I don't want to, she was my love. And my bestfriend was Jo and she and I drifted apart. She's married with kids now. And doesn't even reach out to me. I mean I wasn't the nicest person at the time. But now, I regret it. I am not perfect but I feel like we all have mental illness and should remember that we are sick but that doesn't stop us from being loved and trusting each other. I miss them both. I wish I could just connect again. But she is different now, and I never thought her and I would not speak anymore. 

I feel like if I had kids she would be the one I go to all the time and build a relationship with my kids and her. She never once reached out to me and shared her joy. And never involved me in her religious circle or anything. It hurt me because I was  going through domestic violence and I know she told me to leave him. I did! I now live in CT an hour from her...but to see her who knows. She probably wouldn't. Even though I still talked to her when she was racist in VH and everyone hated her, I didn't care. I saw HER. I can see people...she was hurting. ALOT. I still miss her and I will always be her friend. 

It's okay if she doesn't care about me. 

I made this V.H page and it has almost 200 members. A girl posted pictures of the entire campus. I loved it. And I miss it  I really do. I wish I could back in time and change some of the choices I made. 


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