Sunday, February 23, 2014

I think the choice has been made.

So even though Akin's cousin passed away, I am still focusing on my future and what is best. I want him to be protected and watched over by his relatives. I don't think I can have him live with me downstate. I don't know what will happen, who will help me with the bills and help me when I fall? I've never seen him reach down and make me feel comforted. I had the same issues with Frank. After we were kicked out of the marine corp. He never pulled his weight after that. Until this day he hasn't got up to take care of himself or get his drive license. He had more money than me and never tried to get it together.

I am thinking right now. My heart says, love him. Continue. But then I wonder what will happen when I am all tapped out? I've asked him to be supportive. He refuses. He won't do it. All his grades in college are F's C's and D's. mostly F's. His parents thinks he is in college doing good. He's not even in class.

I don't think I can find anyone else though. I am 33 obese and not much going on in the fertility department. So, the next step is to acknowledge that some men are just reliant of us because they know we won'tr make it elsewhere relationship wise.

Online he acted as if he didn't want to talk. Because he just wants to use me as well.

I never realized how hard it is to break up with someone. It seems like the longer you're with them the harder it is.

Not going to put myself through that again

I am going to make a short blog then I have to finish my math. (I hate math.) Anyway, my sister wants to move with me to __. And I don't want her to because of the past things she has done and is still doing. Not responsible with rent, she is physically abusive and uses intimidation to get what she wants. For two nights I have had dreams about her destroying my property. 

I take that as a sign. Honestly, what is she going to do besides smoke weed all day and when she gets mad enough she will take it upon my personal possessions and destroy them? She has poured juice on my carpet, threw coffee or tea at my wall. Wrote "fuck you" on my closet wall. I have a nice place why would I jeopardize my new place with her fuckery? 

She is highly envious of other people. Especially if you are doing well and have all the things you wanted or if you are feeling good about yourself it is a poison around her. Whenever she is around I am unhappy I feel pressured and like she is sucking me for whatever I have. 

The other day she flipped out because I had new sneakers. Like, what. the.fuck. She said I am treating her like she is a piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe. Which is not true, I have tried over the years to open up to her. She used to say I was worthless because I was on social security and had no license or not going to college. 

Here I am completed those goals and yet she is still thinking I am some dumbo. But uh...I am living stabilized, have a car and pay my insurance on time and still trying to help her out even though I know she won't pay me back. She never does.She says I am selfish. ???? How when she was getting those school checks she would splurge on relentless shit and not pay her bills. Left me with the rent MANY times.

I had my first eviction because of her. Rent was 600 bucks and I only had a set income. My ex husband tried to pay the rent by working for the landlord. He told me, "don't move in with her, it'll be a disaster." She uses me. down in North Carolina on the base used me for Frank's money while he was overseas. And never once did she ever help out, only when she went to pick up some money from her ex at the time. I think she bought weed and alcohol maybe some snacks. And anytime I became authoritative and tried to tell her No. she would fight with me. And then I tell her to get out.

I don't want to be that way. But I have rules. and they're pretty simple. pay bills. half on everything. Don't eat up all the food if you're not going to put back. Simple as that. I like my space. I have always been a reserved person, maybe I come off as a bitch. But deep down I would jump in a train track to help someone. I am a passionate person, but with all the schemes and trickery people have done to me I have to put my foot down. 

My sister and I fought way back in the day in NYC. She and Jo kicked me out of their studio because I wasn't bowing low enough to the ground and kissing their feet. I had just got out of Akin's house and the drama. So I was glad to leave. I never got over how they treated me. It was horrible I had to give Debra money every time he sent me money.

Then Akin's dad spoke to Debra and she lied on me saying I stole her ipod. I have my own!! She started making up stories about how I did this and that just because I left her controlling- tyrant- ass. OH god she is one of the most nastiest vindictive people I have ever met. my heart still hurts from all the terrible shit she has put me through. The cold winter I was left out in. She could give two fucks if I was lost.

But I wasn't. I remembered that day to never put myself out there like that again. Ever. Akin didn't go with me when I was in the streets. He didn't email me for two weeks when I was gone. He left me out there all alone. no amount of money would help me. 

Try making good memories with this girl. She punches her girlfriend in the face at sea-breeze because she didn't move fast enough with the water. White people are looking at us, like, what the fuck? Then she starts driving erratically after we were kicked out of the park. You can't go anywhere with her, seriously. One time we went to a club and she only went to start problems with a woman who was married and she was taunting her ex online. 

I don't want people living with me. Nope. why? For what? People have disliked me all my life, I am not about to let people in my home because I obtain the materialistic connections. Like a car or a nice TV. No. I am not. Yeah I am going to be a bitch about it. The one person I owe myself to is God. He had his angel right next to me while I held on and fought and fought for months to get housing. 

I wanted children because I do have love to give. And I thought I could have that family life. But then it occurred to me I would have to build something with Akin and kiss his family's ass. I don't do that. However, I am all about apologies and forgiving. They are Muslims and closed-in. They are cynical towards Western culture yet they live here in America. I don't get it. They don't want Akin dating black women because they think it's gross. But yet, they will open whiteness into their homes.

When Akin fucked that girl, Jasmine it dawned on me he went right for his type. He claims he likes black women but the first thing he humps is a red headed Scottish 19 yr. old girl with blue eyes. Which his family seemed to like. He claims he only did it; because I did. The guy I TRIED to fuck was lame. a two minute nutter. With a finger sized penis. didn't do me any good. three thrust doggy and he was done. ech. Oh, god- I wanna forget. Forever. 

Which, was not the only one he fucked. He was really into her; she was like I really like you, blah, blah. And apparently they talked before they fucked. So he already her picked out. so it wasn't a random fuck.

After I found out I was livid. I said, go to her then. And after that I invited her my house. So she can see where I was. And then Akin was shocked. I told him to leave and it was over. but then we got back together. it was a love/hate connection. 

One of his cousins likes me. I never would take that route because it's not in my nature. But he likes black women. He sincerely does. However he is weird. I can't, it is too taboo even for me. Well I am off to do my math. yipee.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

A week to go, my goals being met.

So today is okay I guess. I have to get my boxes tomorrow to start packing. I also don't want to write here because I have a stalker and I can't stand this person. It's sad because I have fans and I like to keep my fan base open. But I guess I will have to just continue to write and maybe I will forget about this stalker.

I have so many plans and so many things I want to do but never know what will happen tomorrow. I am not sure if he will be going with me. We spend less and less time together and more time apart. We went two weeks without seeing each other and the way it looks might be that we're not going to be together much longer.

I am sure he won't completely shut me out of his life, but he won't stretch his arm out to help. That's typical fr people who break up. Sometimes breaking up isn't done over night it happens gradually. I think when one person is done with the other they will do things that make them seem careless and cold. Instead of helping out with the bills they'll take money and buy other things that leave you in a bind.

Sometimes forcing you to go into the arms of another man to feel close and complete giving it all more the reason to say, "It's over, I am sorry." But I won't do that, because that will only complicate things. I rather wait until the time is right and then maybe I will.

So, tomorrow I will get boxes for my move. I guess dumpsters would be ideal, right? free boxes. Who wants to pay tons of money for boxes when you can get them free.

My college is going good almost finished up here then I will transfer my classes. I will not look back once I move. I am going forward with myself. The experiences I had in Rochester was cold, dark, depressing and stressful. I don't know how I stayed so long. Love is something I forgot about and never thought to continue. 

Making things happen!

So I need big boxes. Like huge about ten or fifteen.