Saturday, September 20, 2014

Never too late to come out of the closet.

So today I was reminiscing the past about life turbulences and my sexuality. I developed a keen of difference around the early 90's when Crystal Waters was on MTV. I had an attraction to her unlike any to a boy. Boys were infatuations, play things, desires. I can easily get over a man. I am not like anyone you've  seen. I have been married and took my husband on a ride of his life. I needed to fulfill my sexual desires by leveling with a man. A man can handle high sex drives and low communication. A woman on the other hand, cannot. 

The game is an act in which is deceptive to the mind. I prefer the jack of all trades. He stands on his own and wins without provocation. I level this with a man. 

A woman, I cannot. I feel, I ache, I love, I give my all. I cannot back away once I am in. I crave pain and deceit. Once I have a woman, I want to love her, caress her, give her things only I can provide. A man will never understand this. A man sees sex as a way to win his way to the jack of all trades. But in the end I hold the card.

With women I see sex as a symbol of sensuality. Not duality. But sex with a man is duality. It is a pleasure seeker. I regret my guilt, I regret I know I am split in two. I have a darker side to myself that makes me feel powerful and no, I don't want medications to suppress my inner urges to be powerful to be wanted, craved, and desired. 

I break hearts. I know. I usually get men who are lustful. Because I seek that too. I look for trust and comfort ability. A man can get in bed and do his sexual thrusts that sends me into infatuation. I thought I was in love. But I was not. I actually thought...oh, finally I am pulling away from myself more and more. I liked not feeling anything, nothing matters.

Pulling deep, deep into the dark ocean where it's safe. I like being alone and not having to worry about pleasing others or having to make choices where other people need something. I do give things, yes. But not choosing between Yes or No is better.

Give me the passion I crave and I will be yours. I will put you in for a ride. I promise you that. 

I met my first love in 20 yrs. she admitted, "I wanted to be a guy." I liked the idea of going inside of a woman and giving her the pleasures she needs." I think my clitoris was harder than a two inch dick.

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