The beginning to the end.

I am moving forward in the way I want. I have tried different methods of making things work, and somehow, it fails. I think I lack the ability to love someone. I feel like I am in love in the first year or so. After that, I begin to see the persons flaws tremendously. I wonder if it stems from having to build my own personal self based on what I see and feel throughout the relationship.

I wasn't raised around a Father so my ability to be protected by predators, abusers, addicts, and so forth is an open field with no borders. People who look for those with low self- esteem and no familial support tend to come for us quicker. Especially when you have a secure home and assets they don't have.

I keep dating people who don't have a pot to piss in. I need to up my standards and remove those type of people out of my life. Even if that means I am alone for awhile. I dated a woman for awhile, which was hell since day one. I still stay connected to her and it did nothing positive for me. Except police contact and lots and lots of verbal and physical abuse.

My night terrors are at an all time high. I scream so loud my throat is sore for days. I have to keep throat lozenges by my night stand to keep myself from losing my voice completely. I've never had anyone not at least give me integrity when I ask them to leave my home. CT is supposed to be one of the best states that deals with Domestic Violence. Not the case at all. They have little to no services for the mentally ill and the homeless.

Yet, they somehow manage to make webpages dedicating this so-called ethic of social service. I tried to go for mental health to help me rebuild myself and learn how to see the "Red flags" in poor relationships. I have no avail in that department. My therapist spoke about pot and rarely wore her shoes during the 1 hour sessions. I felt like she was a bit of lost cause. So I stopped going.

I feel my best option is to go back to New York. Where things made sense, and my home wasn't in jeopardy; and landlords were professional with their tenants. I don't want to go back to Rochester, but for now I would be safe. I wouldn't have to worry about places like Rushford Mental health begging me to take my abuser back into my home despite of a restraining order that specifies no contact at my address.

I had to get this in writing from a Rushford personnel to show the judge the incompetency and the lack of regards to the victims of domestic violence. This state has so many loopholes and taxes it is a wonder how the Government hasn't intervened.

I am going to do what needs to be done to ensure I am safe. And will no longer be allowing people into my home. I will make sure in the future I screen people first. If the person lives off of others, drugs, etc...I will say, NOPE. Even if it looks exciting, that too, will end. 

Same-sex Domestic Violence

This topic is sensitive and not very well documented in the LGBTQ community. This topic needs to be addressed more often. I can say in my experience, it exists. The fear of not having an outlet with the legal system just like any other heterosexual couple is fearsome.

Walking into a safe haven with bruises on my forearms and an eye different shades of the rainbow, my heart beating faster than a set of deep based drums, my mouth is dry from the fear of being seen.... Or never heard. My words would mean nothing, from past experience, "Oh, like a girl fight?" "Your roommate did this?" "What did you say to her to make her angry?" Oh, you don't like men, maybe a man would've protected you." Those lines pierced my soul, my mind.

This safe haven gave me a bed. But the judgement still laid in their eyes. "My pain wasn't strong enough" is what their eyes told me. My rapes weren't of a true phallus thrusting into me, because fingers can't be a weapon from another woman. The kisses with bites on my lips, were from passion and not from a woman. Because in their world, women are victims and passionate.

The blows were small and swift yet strong enough to be from a man. After all, she walked, talked and fucked me like a man thug would. Her hair braided, and pressed down with a durag just like a man. Her skills in the electrical department was ferociously good. Her ability to undermine me in every aspect of my day was her power, as it was my weakness.

She was my first, in everything. Sex, living,and learning how quick it was to give up on love and foundation. I became ashamed of my own sexuality. I began to think back on my child abuse and began to think being with women; can't be natural. Because the blows to my face, showed me this is what women do to each other when they hate each other.

The emotional turmoil hit me at every turn. I was afraid for my life. I had no outlet, no friend who wasn't straight to turn to. I was alone. I got away after four years. By then I was 22 and hated myself and all women who looked like her. I wanted to try the straight life and steer from myself and anything that was toxic. I began to judge my life and said, "this is the way we are supposed to be. With a man." And that is what I did. But guess what?

Men do it too. And I went through the cycle again. Only this time areal phallus was involved.

Taking breaks and making mistakes.

It's been awhile since I've written on here. I left Rochester two years ago and couldn't be any happier in that retrospect. Almost done with College and off to a four-year College. I have busted my ass to get where I am. Still no kids or anything dumb like that. I'm not having kids just to feed the need of society. 

I am in another relationship; same-sex relationship. And I keep finding these frickin' losers. It's like no one wants to be productive and figure things out for themselves. I keep getting into connections with people who have no foundation, makes excuses or simply, flat-out don't care about moving up in life to better themselves. I am no mother to any Adult. I refuse to do this again.

I will find a way to remove this parasite out of my life. I removed one, only to gain another. I will figure this out. I can't love anyone else after this. Next person I meet says things like, "I live with five people, or I don't drive, or My parents pay my bills....will get the block button. I am trying to get myself under control and to have this stress is aggravating.

Truth About Butch Lesbians and gender identifying.

Let me just say this before I begin. Women are a gift and can be a curse too. However when it comes to the sexuality of women things become complicated. I think the reasons why Scientist cannot decipher the sexuality of women is because we are Unique. For example, Men who are born gay is found to be a hormone in the womb of the mother to be responsible for this. However, Women are not the same. 

Which leads me to believe Women are naturally bisexual. We can procreate and enjoy the sexual pleasures of our own sex. If we can masturbate ourselves and fantasize about different things, especially men who is to say we can't have sex with men?

I also think a lot of the times gender confusion and sexual identity is separate from preferring the same sex. I think a lot of women who dress like men have issues with their identity. Almost similar to women who transgender into men. Just not as severe. So if a woman who dresses like a man or has manly characteristics may see themselves as a male but still enjoy the sexual pleasures of a man.

Now, it would be excellent if their were self-help groups for transgender and women who prefer to be butch/stud. Some say let's not put a label on it...but...Society doesn't see it that way. We all have our own preferences and while I am all for LGBT support and same-sex marriage...I want to know what is in my Girlfriend's head when she likes to shave her head into a mohawk and wear men colognes. 

I love Butch women but don't become confused with yourself and when your femme partner decides to decipher every part of your being. If you're a true lesbian, stick to it. Don't tell every single chick you're with that every male sexual encounter was rape and you didn't want it.

These type of issues are a form of sexual dysfunction. I myself can say I had pleasurable experiences with men on a sexual level. I just know what I like and I am not ashamed to admit it. But it seems to me Butch women have serious issues with their identity. And so being a woman is not something they enjoy. They want to be identical to a man, and may even envy the power a man holds. (distorted thinking). 

Liar, Cheater, Deceiver, heartbreaker...

I removed this bitch out of my life. I found the most toxic thing online. Alison Wisbrock from Delaware is the biggest whore. She fucks everyone. I hate her. I will never see her again as long as I live.

It's only a tickle in the mind

One time, two times then maybe three. I only have one place to be. The fury so deep only one way to know if its steep. Look behind, look forward. Once together, once apart. Laying low in my heart I depart. little girl run away, see him grab you, devour you whole. Look down below and you will see
The demons playing in me.

Laughing now, crying later. Look at me and look at you. sticking my fist deep inside your soul. I laugh at you while you bleed. oh look! oh look! I did succeed! raping you, raping you deep inside me. I look in the mirrors shadows of glee playing so dummy of me. You like the clowns? They like you. Yes little me, they want too. Oh look, you like it so wet so dirty of you! Please, please don't scream, it makes you pee so it seems.

Ripping you to shreds every night, moan for me, not for them. Yes, sweet one, you are unclean.

So many changes, made new friends, found a new love

I am happier now then I have been over the years. A lot has happened since the last time I came on here.I met Ali who is a woman I met in foster care. I am in love and unsure. She loves me and through her I met others who accepted me as I am. Trust is a big factor for me and I need to gather it and understand it. 

My sister and I had a falling out and it may be more permanent this time. She has done a lot to me that no one should have done. I gave up things in sacrifice for her happiness. She is someone I never would trust again.When things fall apart I am the one she goes to and I don't mind that but being alone with her brings me sadness and great turmoil.

I left Akin for good. We speak from time to time I don't make him a priority when I was only his essential outlet for sexual servitude. I am happy to admit I am a Lesbian. And nothing can change that. I never really appreciated men in a bonding retrospect. 

Shonta ...boy that ex is definitely an Ex for a reason. I tried to reach out she is pregnant with some mans love child and honestly, her lifestyle is different from me. I am not interested in that type of life. 

I am Wicaan, I found a circle of people with whom I appreciate. And will never change it for the world.



I miss one friend from NYC more than anything and I hope she is well and is loved. I always felt she was a sister to me and is also Wicaan at heart she doesn't know it yet. I wish I met her and the baby. 

I will moving from CT to DE. Yes, it's my destiny.