Saturday, December 8, 2012

The truth about it all

I have mentioned A before in my Blogs on how much he aggravates me to high heaven but truth be told he has been here for me even though I do want to try and love someone else. I am never 100% fulfilled on love and when I do find someone I become attracted to, I keep thinking, is it worth it? Trying all over again with someone new who may not offer me the same things he has? I begin to add up the number of things off the top of my head on why logically it would be a good idea to cut ties with him and start anew. But, then he does the small things that others don't care to do. Like when I am broke, he comes through. And I try to sometimes deal with being broke and try to find ways to earn more money for the things I like or want. I need a job. Point blank I need to work and earn an income that won't leave me broke for days. I can live on 1,930.00 a month and still have money left over to pay bills and other items of my choice. If I worked, I could travel to Canada and go to social outings without asking for a handout from him and wouldn't feel guilty taking it when I need it. Then maybe from there I can stop making excuses for why I feel like why settling with him is the right idea for me and start looking for the guy I want. I try being humble and saying, "Yes he is right because no one else wants me." But in actuality is my stupid low self esteem that keeps trickling in my subconscious implementing this type of insecure crap.

But then a part of me says I don't want to work. I want to hustle the system to get my needs met and for allowing me to have such a fucked up childhood. I only have $70.00 rent, I pocket well over a $1,000.00 in SS income and last but not least I get a refund from school worth over 4 thousand every three months and I pay my interest off so I don't run out of money. I like it this way, but for how long will this game last? I need to strategies and a new lifestyle that makes it worth living. I don't want to be with bottom feeders anymore, I want to  get out of the low class category. But really who cares, right? I kinda like my crazy friends who go through the same shit and I like those who are comfortable living in a small house governed by Section 8 or some type of rental assistance program. If I had parents I live with them instead of relying on any services.

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