Going to see someone

Not sure if I am making the right choices. I mean, what if I don't like what I see? I saw before and was not interested. I am fat but...I don't know about being with a big woman. We'll see how this goes. I just don't know if it's what I want.

I kinda feel like ...No? 

I was in my head the whole time.

What am I sorry for?

How am I sorry when you let your 12 yr old kid ride his bike at midnight strolling through the ghettos of Enfield. CPS came to your house because you lack maternal extinct. What kind of mother goes out all hours of every night to dress like a skank and leaves her two boys to fend for themselves?

Fuck you Chrissy and your lack of morality. You lack the ability to speak up for yourself and your relationships. You lack the ability to love and conquer what you want. I got over your teeth-less ass. I am so glad I see through the smoke with your mental instability. I am not sorry. You fuck your mother and lay in the same bed with her. Nastiness. You like smelling like dirty clothes and lacking personal hygiene.

It's accurate. It's 100% truth. 

I am trying to get my thoughts in order and I think I did just that. I don't care for the trilogy in your Schwartz household. Moving on. moving on. 

Over-zealous spending consequences

Affording things and wanting things are two different things. I can not imagine what it is like to be living in a place that is not your own. 

Anyway, blogs are not fun. they're isolative and poignant. So good-bye while I finish my excel project and set up time to go meet my friends this coming week. I Love Connecticut. I don't know why I left. I really disliked Rochester. I mean, a fat brown man thought he was god and used me for his personal usage and had his nose in the air when his gray sagging draws looked like they were inhaling a cigarette from his flat camel-niggered ass.

Then, I had crazy A...and his antics and neurotic conversations. That blew me into a deep depression where I isolated my mind into obsessing over cleaning and getting the hell out of Rochester. I got my car, and my new place and here I am...

I tried it out with Chrissy, but her psychotic sister, got in between our relationship so I called CPS when her son randomly ended up with a serious head gash and S claimed he fell off his bike. But this was near midnight right after she DEMANDED Chrissy and her mother come home to attend to her. Somehow in the mix of things Chrissy told me she and her mother had sex. And from there on in I was crawling with eeebies- jeebies and serious abandonment issues.

But somehow I was cut off based on the one email I send S in reference to Chrissy's incestuous dilemma. Instead of working it out she cut me off. I flipped the fuck out. Yes. I did. I felt enraged, here she was sleeping with her mama and I was to blame? I couldn't take it anymore. I let Chrissy have it via text. She said to me the next day she was cutting me off and then no more messages. 

I called CPS out of spite. Yes. I do low-blows too. 

So that ended. over. and crossing the new bridge now. Hopefully I won't burn the bridge while my ass is still on it.

Not sure if this is a face up or a face down

Not trying with her anymore. Leads me to a brickwall. I am smoking cigarettes and weed again. fuck it.

Crazy fucking neighbors.

I have these neighbors who moved in. Last name is Santana so I should already know what type of people they were going to be. I am so tired. I was up late doing my Exam and waking up early to this shit. I mean these people are banging and pounding and making all types of fucking noise. Sounds like they're remodeling the bathroom. 

Crazy nutcases. Straight up and down. 

So I called the MGMT office. So let's see if they give a flying fuck. 
If not well then I don't either and will fling shit on their car. How about that?

Missing you Flaws and all

I still love her forever. That'll never change; I know I was wrong. I should have never made that call and did evil things. I will wait and hopefully in the future she will be okay and Forgive me. I know what I did and I want to make sure I never make that mistake again.

She was there for me and I should do the same for her. I will love you, Chris. Always. No one in this world can ever replace my love for you. EVER. 



I'm going to go into my bubble. I can't deal.

Dating a Schizoeffective lesbian

The elevation of shock, hurt and despair came tumbling down on me in the matter of days. This was all due to dating a person who is mentally ill more so than myself. I have BPD and BIpolar disorder. I could have other things but I haven't seen a shrink as of late so those things are not updated. I will put in a request to see a Psychiatrist today.

Back to the story. 

I met a girl named Christine back in my residential program days via Foster care. She was the woman I fell in love with at 13. I mean, she was definitely certified but somehow I managed to love this wounded dove. She was beautiful to me, I loved her in more ways than one. I took the time to reach out and let her know I liked her. At first I was nervous I didn't know how to approach same sex intimacy. Hell, I was 13. 

I just know her lips, hair, and her teeth I loved. She had those fangs up top that stood out but it was cute. She hated it. I was not sure why. But she hated it. She smelled so good, she washed her hair with Salon Selectives and used suave hair spray. In a pink bottle. When I am sensitive about love I pay attention to the details. 

She used to shower every day and be the most prominent on time and organized. Her room was super clean. She had this attitude about herself and was quiet and I liked it. Her kisses were to die for. She would make me melt.  

I finally took the courage to finally see her. I was nervous VERY. So I took the courage to see her; I knew she was big. She gained a lot of weight from her facebook photo she wore a bright orange hoodie that just did not compliment her at all.

 so I was trying to get myself to accept the possibility of dating her as a big woman, because remember I love her no matter what. I wanted to be with her. So I am driving down her street, poor neighbor of E____ CT. And This is what I am accustomed to most people from placement live in the hood.

So...What I saw with my eyes; isn't what I was prepared for. I saw her with a woman next to her who was also identical to her only older. And up stood Chrissy waving frantically. But what I pictured isn't anything for what I was prepared for. When she smiled, there were dark spaces where her teeth once were, her hair stood long past her shoulders, untamed, in two shades, her pink tight shirt hugged around her body meat. Her pants were dingy and smelled of dirty clothes when I hugged her. She reeked of cigars and skin.

My heart fell. Deep inside I was angry. Here stood the woman I wanted to be with and she was everything I never think to look twice at on a regular sunny day. So I hugged her adamantly and looked at the floor her mother said, "You are so pretty" and flashed her gums to me.. I smiled and said, I'm ok. And Chrissy said, "Wow...you lost so much weight." (she did too, thank god) We complimented each other and Chrissy helped her mother into the house, and with that followed an odor.

An odor of poor body funk. Like it came from the ass. I was disgusted. I prepared myself because I knew the house would be the same. Inside the carpet was a dingy peach colored carpet. Stains everywhere. Old dirty furniture donated by Christine's witch of a sister who uses Christine to do her bidding. (more of that later) The kitchen had cobwebs in every sector, Walls dripping with dirt, food on the cabinets, grease stains so dark it looked like tar. The stove was caked with dirt and chunks of food dried and burnt resting comfortably among the gas valves. 

Her table was small and contained no chairs of a matching set. One wooden chair and two plastic chairs meant to be white, but stained a gray dirty color. Her blinds were ripped and also covered in filth. My jaw opened as I passed on through. I was in utter shock. 

Oddly, despite the floors being dirty her room was organized. She didn't have a comforter or any sheets on her bed. Her mattress was also stained and dirty her pillows were so yellow I was afraid to lay on it. I didn't want to spend the ngiht in that horrible place. 

I don't get it. How do people live like that? What is it that makes people just live in filth? I don't. I have mental illness and I don't allow myself to sleep a bed with no sheets. I make sure I have that.  I have cleaning supplies and I clean my house. Yes, it gets dirty sometimes and I don't feel like cleaning but...by God I will clean. I will never allow myself to live like an animal.

PART II...coming soon.