Finally growing old.

Yesterday an epiphany hit me about myself.I cannot continue to make excuses for myself today is the day I will wake up and see the big picture. I finally consolidated my small loan I owed for school. And so I now know that I need to make those changes no one is going to do it for me. When do we wake up and recognize our failures? If we can find what makes us bitter we can have fulfilled happiness as long as we make those changes. I cannot wait to go back to school and not have to worry about debt. I have above College level reading and writing, as for math is a pain in my ass. Oddly, I want to study computer science and psychology. Something about the human brain that sets me in a trance of constant analyzation so anyway, I am listening to Portishead-Carry on. I remember this song from a long time ago when I used to be a pothead. It was always floating in my head, I think weed made me see myself in a different way.So I should be able to attend College this Summer, take half classes and then start full time in the Fall. I already took the accuplacer and so I will be that school everyday. I don't care about anything else but completing it so I can go to RIT at 31...Yeah, I am REALLY late. I don't know of any thirty yr olds in College.I can always lie about my age. No one has to know about it after all I still look like I'm in my twenties. I love Computers, tech and the geeks that come with it. So I know I can meet other geeky guys and go to town on them haha...It's fun being able to live on your own and my freedom is becoming more and more in depth. A. is finally loosening his grip on me and not being so clingy and has finally realized he cannot control my every move.I don't want to get married right now, I don't want kids right now either. He is persistent with trying to get me pregnant...ew. I think it is a turnoff from life and puts a hold on my choices. I want a kid with someone I can relate to, someone who can bring me up in this world and not bring me down. I don't want to keep relying on him for small stuff. I want to have my own and I will.I'm excited about this transformation in my life and a new beginning.No more clouds over my head leaving me to ponder in confusion.

Beyoncé feat. Jay-Z - Deja Vu ft. Jay-Z

[Intro:]
[Beyonce:] Bass
[Jay-Z:] Uh
[Beyonce:] Hi hat
[Jay-Z:] Uh
[Beyonce:] 808
[Jay-Z:] Uh
[Beyonce:] Jay
[Jay-Z:] Uh-huh
Ready?
Uh-huh
[Beyonce:] Let's go get 'em
[Jay-Z:] Uh-huh
C'mon

[Jay-Z Rap]
I used to run base like Juan Pierre
Now I run the bass hi hat and the snare
I used to bag girls like Birkin Bags
Now I bag B ([Beyonce:] Boy you hurtin' that)
Brooklyn Bay where they birthed me at
Now I be everywhere, the nerve of rap
The audacity to have me whippin curtains back
Me and B, she about to sting
Stand back

[Verse 1]
Baby seems like everywhere I go
I see you, from your eyes, your smile
It's like I breathe you, helplessy I reminisce
Don't want to compare nobody to you

[Pre-Hook]
Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go
Oh

[Hook]
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu

[Verse 2]
Seeing things that I know can't be
Am I dreaming? When I saw you walking past me
Almost called your name
Got a better glimpse and then I looked away
It's like I'm losing it

[Pre-hook]
Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go, oh

[Hook]
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja vu

[Jay-Z Rap 2]
Yes! Hova's flow so unusual
Baby, girl you should already know
It's H-O, light up the strobe
'Cause you gon' need help tryna study my bounce, flow, blow
What's the difference?
One, you take in vein while the other you sniffin'
It's still dough, po-po try to convict him
That's a no-go
My dough keep the scales tippin like 4-4's
Like I'm from the H-O-U-S-T-O-N
Blow, wind so Chicago of him
Is he the best ever, that's the argu-a-ment
I don't make the list, don't be mad at me
I just make the hits, like a factory
I'm just one-to-one, nothin' after me
No Deja Vu, just me and my, Oh

[Bridge]
Baby I can't go anywhere
Without thinking that you're there
Seems like you're everywhere, it's true
Gotta be having Deja Vu
'Cause in my mind I want you here
Get on the next plane, I don't care
Is it because I'm missing you
That I'm having Deja Vu

[Pre-hook]
Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go
Whoo...

[Hook]
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu

Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu
Know that I can't get over you
'Cause everything I see is you
And I don't want no substitute
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu

Yahoo Answers is a joke.

So, as most of you know I spend a great deal of time reading, writing, dissecting shit because I don't work. Nope. I gladly sit at home with income fairly comfortable. Not broke, not living in poverty. How I get my money? Not by whoring or pimping or robbing. Just don't worry about it. Now, I went to Yahoo answers to ask some questions about my stalking of this guy, Mina. Yeah, I am stalking him. Just not every day just he is embedded into my numbskull. I hate it I want to be the mature adult and tell myself this obsession is not healthy. I want to wake up tomorrow and fixate myself on my student loan debt that was wrongfully given to me ...so I took 45 minutes out of my day to speak with student default services and decided to go ahead and make payments on my account so I can go back to school. I can afford to pay about $300.00 for three months to get the lift off my account, once the decision has been made on my appeal if approved they'll reimburse me. I am not going to sit around waiting for these people to make a choice for me. Anyway, back to the original topic. I asked a question about stalking. Like what is considered crazy or not normal on Yahoo Answers. -_-. Yeah. Not anything worth getting info about. Just immature answers like, "oh you have a boyfriend?!" "oh mah gawd and you like this dood..no way"! "you skank!" typical teenage trolling. I really wanna just go through the computer and take my fist into his or her brain cavity. I don't get how people act so nice in pictures and in person when 90 percent of these people talk shit online. Cowardly shit. More reason for me to be a hermit and not pay any attention to fake plastic people. Yeah. The same ones who go to the salon dye their hair blond with a size 00000 waist and sip on starbucks o calorie coffee lates' and think everything is for them. People like that think they're spectacular and anyone who thinks differently need to be evaluated for a Craniotomy. So I feel like I may be stalking this guy, not in a bad way but enough for him to go forwarding my emails to his sister and brother in a far away place called, Buffalo, NY. It gets to be annoying after awhile when you try to be an honest person and this guy seems right for you but then all hell breaks loose when one of your bipolar moods hit during an argument. I am a raging person verbally, as for being violent not really my thing unless I lose it during an argument. I need to get a job, a hobby other than being online talking to this guy. I AM SO HAPPY. I AM GETTING A CONSOLIDATION ON MY LOAN. GOD READ MY BLOG

Beyoncé - Best Thing I Never Had

What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),

What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby)

I say what goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),

What goes around comes back around...


There was a time

I thought, that you did everything right,
>

No lies, no wrong,

Boy I must have been out of my mind

So when I think of the time that I almost loved you

You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Thank God I dodged the bullet,
I'm so over you
So baby go lookin' out!

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
You turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had,
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

So sad, you're hurt,
Boo hoo, oh did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears,
I guess that's why they ain't there,
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you,
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Oh thank God I dodged the bullet,
I'm so over you,
Baby go lookin' out!


[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
I say, you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Hmm and I'll never be the best thing you never had,
Oh baby I bet it sucks to be you right now!

I know you want me back,
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away,
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life,
Thank God I found the good in goodbye!

[Chorus]
Oh I used to want you so bad!
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I will always be the best thing you never had,
Ouhh best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad!
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Ouh I'll never be the best thing you never had,
Ohh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

(What goes around comes back around),
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now.

Still thinking of you

I am sitting here taking care of business and cannot get him out of my head...why? I am trying so hard to do things normally without him in my head whenever I think of him I feel the acid in my stomach splashing around giving me gastritis. I have always been attracted to dark personalities and he seems different but...not so much. I need to do something else I am sure he could care less about me.  He made it very clear to me via text that he was not interested in me. I have never chased someone like this. He is still in his mid-twenties I am thirty-one with my own place maybe a twenty yr.old is typical for him I dunno...I think of his sexy smile and can't get over him. He wont answer my text ..nada..zilt

Korn - System (Queen Of Damned)

A slap in the face...AGAIN.

So we hit the wall again. And this time I won. I didn't give into sex I knew he wanted sex and when I didn't give it to him he texted me saying he was no longer interested. I must be a sexual object and when men find out I am more than that they just leave me alone. If I want just sex, I'll give you a call.